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Wednesday, December 26, 2012
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Friday, December 21, 2012
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Thursday, December 13, 2012
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Friday, December 7, 2012
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Tuesday, December 4, 2012
3 Ways To Reduce the Chances That You Are Deluding Yourself
3 Ways To Reduce the Chances That You Are Deluding Yourself:
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re not sure whether or not someone likes you. You think that there’s a possibility that a connection exists, but you don’t have enough information to tell. You end up talking to your friends for hours trying to determine the meaning of small micro bursts of eye contact or the implications of fairly ordinary questions. The truth is that although you’re hoping for the best, you don’t really know what the other person thinks about you. No matter what opinion you end up taking, the possibility that you’re deluding yourself still remains.
If you’ve felt this way in the past, you’re not alone. The truth is that a lot of the time we lack enough information to form an air-tight opinion on a subject matter. From the student who believes he is doing well in a class only to find out that he got a C, to the employee who thinks they are the top performer only to find that someone else receives the coveted promotion, the reality is that the risk of delusion is a normal part of everyday life.
Often this delusion is painful and really it’s better to know the truth. In this post I will share a simple three step process that can help to reduce the possibility of delusion in any situation. Here it is:
Step 1: Get More Information– Determine what information you need to reduce uncertainly and go get it.
Step 2: Update Your Beliefs– Find out how this new information effects your beliefs. Ask yourself whether the new information conflicts with you past thoughts. If so, update your beliefs to reflect this new information.
Step 3: Repeat if Necessary
Let’s go into more detail.
Step 1: Get More Information
Most of the time the threat of a delusion arises because we don’t have enough information to know the reality of a situation. It is hard to mistake the romantic intentions of another person if you ask them point blank whether or not they like you. Likewise it is hard to be deluded about your school work if you take a practice exam and find that you are barely achieving a passing grade. But if you’ve never asked that blunt question or haven’t been testing yourself it’s often difficult to know exactly where you stand.
As a psychology student I’m all too familiar with the problems that a lack of information can cause. When considering the design of an experiment, psychologists usually try to recruit as many participants as they can. The reason for this is simple: the larger the number of participants, the smaller the chances that the results achieved are purely down to luck. In other words, the more information you have, the more you can trust your results.
Think about what new information would be most valuable to you? Is there an easy test you can perform to get a better understanding of where you stand? Is there another way of looking at your situation that might provide you with additional insight?
Step 2: Update Your Beliefs
Let’s assume that you have collected some additional information. The next step is to try and evaluate what this new information means. In what way do you need to update your beliefs based on what you have learnt?
Suppose you’re Galileo in the 17th century looking through your telescope towards the moons of Jupiter. Up until this point all your learning and the wisdom of the day has you believing that all objects orbit the earth. You notice, however, that Jupiter appears to have four objects orbiting it– it has moons! Based on this new information you’re forced to confront your old beliefs. Maybe the same force that keeps the moons orbiting around Jupiter also forces the earth to orbit the sun.
Although Galileo had the courage to trust the new information he found, and to update his beliefs accordingly, this doesn’t seem to be the norm for most of us. We love to cling to our past beliefs, they are a part of us. Psychologists even have a word for this phenomenon– confirmation bias. That’s why it’s essential for you to really think hard about how the new information you’ve learnt effects your beliefs.
If the new information you find creates a conflict in what you previously thought you knew, be honest with yourself. What does the new information really mean for you?
Step 3: Repeat if Necessary
Each time you run these two steps you reduce the chances that you are deluding yourself, because the degree of uncertainty goes down. The goal is to keep on repeating the process until you feel that you feel that you have collected enough data to be minimizing your risks of delusion.
Although it’s never possible to completely eliminate uncertainty, it is definitely possible to reduce it. Sometimes the truth can be hard to take, but in the long run a life that is as free of delusion as possible will give you the greatest amount of space to grow.
John Paton is a psychology and operations research student at Cornell University. He is interested in reverse engineering the brain and applying scientific principles to personal development. He writes at optimizethyself.com.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re not sure whether or not someone likes you. You think that there’s a possibility that a connection exists, but you don’t have enough information to tell. You end up talking to your friends for hours trying to determine the meaning of small micro bursts of eye contact or the implications of fairly ordinary questions. The truth is that although you’re hoping for the best, you don’t really know what the other person thinks about you. No matter what opinion you end up taking, the possibility that you’re deluding yourself still remains.
If you’ve felt this way in the past, you’re not alone. The truth is that a lot of the time we lack enough information to form an air-tight opinion on a subject matter. From the student who believes he is doing well in a class only to find out that he got a C, to the employee who thinks they are the top performer only to find that someone else receives the coveted promotion, the reality is that the risk of delusion is a normal part of everyday life.
Often this delusion is painful and really it’s better to know the truth. In this post I will share a simple three step process that can help to reduce the possibility of delusion in any situation. Here it is:
Step 1: Get More Information– Determine what information you need to reduce uncertainly and go get it.
Step 2: Update Your Beliefs– Find out how this new information effects your beliefs. Ask yourself whether the new information conflicts with you past thoughts. If so, update your beliefs to reflect this new information.
Step 3: Repeat if Necessary
Let’s go into more detail.
Step 1: Get More Information
Most of the time the threat of a delusion arises because we don’t have enough information to know the reality of a situation. It is hard to mistake the romantic intentions of another person if you ask them point blank whether or not they like you. Likewise it is hard to be deluded about your school work if you take a practice exam and find that you are barely achieving a passing grade. But if you’ve never asked that blunt question or haven’t been testing yourself it’s often difficult to know exactly where you stand.
As a psychology student I’m all too familiar with the problems that a lack of information can cause. When considering the design of an experiment, psychologists usually try to recruit as many participants as they can. The reason for this is simple: the larger the number of participants, the smaller the chances that the results achieved are purely down to luck. In other words, the more information you have, the more you can trust your results.
Think about what new information would be most valuable to you? Is there an easy test you can perform to get a better understanding of where you stand? Is there another way of looking at your situation that might provide you with additional insight?
Step 2: Update Your Beliefs
Let’s assume that you have collected some additional information. The next step is to try and evaluate what this new information means. In what way do you need to update your beliefs based on what you have learnt?
Suppose you’re Galileo in the 17th century looking through your telescope towards the moons of Jupiter. Up until this point all your learning and the wisdom of the day has you believing that all objects orbit the earth. You notice, however, that Jupiter appears to have four objects orbiting it– it has moons! Based on this new information you’re forced to confront your old beliefs. Maybe the same force that keeps the moons orbiting around Jupiter also forces the earth to orbit the sun.
Although Galileo had the courage to trust the new information he found, and to update his beliefs accordingly, this doesn’t seem to be the norm for most of us. We love to cling to our past beliefs, they are a part of us. Psychologists even have a word for this phenomenon– confirmation bias. That’s why it’s essential for you to really think hard about how the new information you’ve learnt effects your beliefs.
If the new information you find creates a conflict in what you previously thought you knew, be honest with yourself. What does the new information really mean for you?
Step 3: Repeat if Necessary
Each time you run these two steps you reduce the chances that you are deluding yourself, because the degree of uncertainty goes down. The goal is to keep on repeating the process until you feel that you feel that you have collected enough data to be minimizing your risks of delusion.
Although it’s never possible to completely eliminate uncertainty, it is definitely possible to reduce it. Sometimes the truth can be hard to take, but in the long run a life that is as free of delusion as possible will give you the greatest amount of space to grow.
John Paton is a psychology and operations research student at Cornell University. He is interested in reverse engineering the brain and applying scientific principles to personal development. He writes at optimizethyself.com.
Monday, December 3, 2012
10 Ways to Be Who You Really Are
10 Ways to Be Who You Really Are:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Paula Grieco
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E Cummings
I was pretty shy and very quiet kid, so going to school for the first time in kindergarten was a terrifying experience for me.
After a short time, though, life brightened for me in my little elementary school. As it turned out, I loved learning and was a natural student. It was my bliss and often a respite from tumultuous home circumstances, the first place that I spoke out loud with confidence.
Unfortunately, in the urban neighborhood where I lived, being smart meant being very low on the social hierarchy.
For years, I was oblivious to this, but as I moved in to pre-adolescence, I became acutely aware of how my peers viewed me and felt increasingly embarrassed about standing out as a stellar student.
In one particularly memorable experience, I left the stage of a successful debate speech humiliated because I spied several of my peers mocking me in the audience during my delivery. This was a turning point.
Because of an intense desire to win the approval of my peers, I began to actively make decisions to fit in rather than finding my joy by expressing who I really was. Although uncanny to me now, at times, I even would intentionally give the wrong answers on exams to bring my scores down.
An occasional wrong answer didn’t change who I really was, but each decision I made to choose the approval of others, buried my true self deeper.
The momentary gratification of being liked or winning approval could have had profound consequences. It certainly left me feeling empty.
Every time we make small decisions to fit in, whether as a child or as an adult, we are burying a little part of ourselves down deep. This is really serious business, this denying of who we are.
Make it a habit, and you risk becoming confused about who you really are. Just search online for books on topics like finding your true passion or how to get back to your true self to get a sense of the energy it takes to find pieces that are lost.
In high school, I made a dramatic internal shift. Because of a newfound faith, I started to think about my future and felt that I had a responsibility to begin living my life in a way that reflected who I really was.
This, rather than the approval of others became a driving force for me. Small decision by decision, I began to act with the courage to be me.
I’d like to say that from that period on, I have been always and consistently true to myself. That, though, would not be true. And ironically, not being honest about who I am.
The opportunities for adults to deny their truth in favor of approval are endless, and choices can feel complicated. In some moments, I have done better than others, whether it be stating an honest, but unpopular position or leaving a lucrative career for more meaningful work.
I do know for sure that I have never met one human being—not one—who regrets making choices that reflect who they really are.
Recently, something reminded me of the rewards of being true to who you are. My son asked me if I had three wishes for my life, what would I wish.
I was stumped. Really. Sincerely. Stumped. I couldn’t come up with one wish—not because I have arrived to a particular destination or had everything that I ever wanted, but because I know that I am truly on the right path, my unique, one-of-a-kind path.
There is good news though. Just like denying ourselves can bury who we are, small decisions to be you can have a cumulative impact too. The more often that we are brave enough to express who we are, the easier it gets.
So, in this present moment, how about you? Are you growing up to be who you truly are?
Here are easy suggestions for building the being you habit. Pick one or more if you like.
If you feel like your true self is lost under the debris of fitting in, take heart, you are closer than you think. If you are a being you master, then add to the above list. Either way, I’d be honored to hear your stories in the comments.
Photo by Liz Grace
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Paula Grieco
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E Cummings
I was pretty shy and very quiet kid, so going to school for the first time in kindergarten was a terrifying experience for me.
After a short time, though, life brightened for me in my little elementary school. As it turned out, I loved learning and was a natural student. It was my bliss and often a respite from tumultuous home circumstances, the first place that I spoke out loud with confidence.
Unfortunately, in the urban neighborhood where I lived, being smart meant being very low on the social hierarchy.
For years, I was oblivious to this, but as I moved in to pre-adolescence, I became acutely aware of how my peers viewed me and felt increasingly embarrassed about standing out as a stellar student.
In one particularly memorable experience, I left the stage of a successful debate speech humiliated because I spied several of my peers mocking me in the audience during my delivery. This was a turning point.
Because of an intense desire to win the approval of my peers, I began to actively make decisions to fit in rather than finding my joy by expressing who I really was. Although uncanny to me now, at times, I even would intentionally give the wrong answers on exams to bring my scores down.
An occasional wrong answer didn’t change who I really was, but each decision I made to choose the approval of others, buried my true self deeper.
The momentary gratification of being liked or winning approval could have had profound consequences. It certainly left me feeling empty.
Every time we make small decisions to fit in, whether as a child or as an adult, we are burying a little part of ourselves down deep. This is really serious business, this denying of who we are.
Make it a habit, and you risk becoming confused about who you really are. Just search online for books on topics like finding your true passion or how to get back to your true self to get a sense of the energy it takes to find pieces that are lost.
In high school, I made a dramatic internal shift. Because of a newfound faith, I started to think about my future and felt that I had a responsibility to begin living my life in a way that reflected who I really was.
This, rather than the approval of others became a driving force for me. Small decision by decision, I began to act with the courage to be me.
I’d like to say that from that period on, I have been always and consistently true to myself. That, though, would not be true. And ironically, not being honest about who I am.
The opportunities for adults to deny their truth in favor of approval are endless, and choices can feel complicated. In some moments, I have done better than others, whether it be stating an honest, but unpopular position or leaving a lucrative career for more meaningful work.
I do know for sure that I have never met one human being—not one—who regrets making choices that reflect who they really are.
Recently, something reminded me of the rewards of being true to who you are. My son asked me if I had three wishes for my life, what would I wish.
I was stumped. Really. Sincerely. Stumped. I couldn’t come up with one wish—not because I have arrived to a particular destination or had everything that I ever wanted, but because I know that I am truly on the right path, my unique, one-of-a-kind path.
There is good news though. Just like denying ourselves can bury who we are, small decisions to be you can have a cumulative impact too. The more often that we are brave enough to express who we are, the easier it gets.
So, in this present moment, how about you? Are you growing up to be who you truly are?
Here are easy suggestions for building the being you habit. Pick one or more if you like.
1. Express your uniqueness daily.
Create a daily practice of doing or saying something that expresses you without regard to its popularity or commonality. It can be as simple as a wardrobe choice or saying no to a social engagement that will leave you feeling drained.2. Make time for brief moments of solitude.
Even just a few minutes during the day can help you connect to yourself rather than being caught up in outside forces.3. Re-connect to a childhood passion.
Think about what you loved to do as a kid as it can be a clue to your truest expressions. Anything you want to try today?4. Write down three things that you truly value.
Take one small action every day to express your values.5. Go easy on the pressure.
There’s a difference between compromising your true self and having multiple passions. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to make the right choice when it comes to your calling. Sometimes you just have to pick something and take action.6. Create relationships based on being you.
Some people are more naturally inclined to care what others think. If you are one of those people, you also likely have a great propensity to be empathetic. Build upon that strength and reach out to others to get the support you need.7. Find your mantra.
Sometimes we end up compromising who we are because it is hard to say no. Write down on a small card your response to requests for your time or an opinion you are not prepared to give. Doesn’t have to be eloquent—“Huh, I’ll have to think about that” works.8. Support someone else in self-expression.
When you see someone standing out rather than fitting in, be a voice of encouragement and support.9. Create art.
Buy a small journal or notebook just for self-expression. It will be one of the best purchases you will ever make. Spend even one minute a day writing or drawing a picture. No directions required.10. Remind yourself how important this is.
Hang up a sign with the quote at the beginning of this post or another that reminds you the importance of being you.If you feel like your true self is lost under the debris of fitting in, take heart, you are closer than you think. If you are a being you master, then add to the above list. Either way, I’d be honored to hear your stories in the comments.
Photo by Liz Grace
About Paula Grieco
Paula Grieco is an entrepreneur, writer, and co-founder of What’s Your Brave?, a writing and media project dedicated to giving parents knowledge and resources to raise daughters who live their one beautiful life courageously. You can reach Paula at paula@whatsyourbrave.com or follow her on twitter.How to Deal With Impossible People
How to Deal With Impossible People:
Most people know someone who seems to make every situation toxic and impossible. Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won't get you anywhere, though — odds are, they don't even see a problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality disorder or some other underlying issue, here's how to navigate interactions with impossible people and preserve your own sanity.
Edit Steps
Handling Conflicts
- Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they're called "impossible" for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.
- Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
- Do not call out the other person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with someone impossible. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, he or she will likely just become more difficult. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict — it's a special situation.
- In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
- In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
- Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of shifting the blame. Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault.
- Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake.
- That being said, here's a simple way to tell: if you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."
- Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake.
- Remember to "detach, disassociate and diffuse." When you're in the middle of a conflict with an impossible person, use this strategy:
- Detach: Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme emotions such as crying, will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior.
- Disassociate: Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference. Do not, under any circumstances bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive by redirection such as by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do just stay calm!
- Diffuse: It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that contains the most truth will always win out, and it's best to "name the game" that an impossible person is playing, usually by asking them or the group a question that starts "Why...," (rephrasing their "impossible" position to illuminate the consequences). You will move the conversation to a higher level, and the group, or even just the impossible individual, in a one-on-one, will respond to this "higher truth," although the individual will usually respond by (more) obfuscating.
- Detach: Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme emotions such as crying, will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior.
- Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
- Prepare for projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person's flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.
- Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
- Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
Long-Term Management
- Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you.
- As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't).
- Recognize that you can't convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if they did, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.
- As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't).
- Consider that it might be a question of compatibility. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water.
- It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.
- It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.
- Don't get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively; in other words, when you see them coming to corner you, suggest, and then demand that at least a third party be brought in. This will often thwart the impossible person's plans, and a typical response from them will be to unilaterally decide that "we don't need anyone else." You are perfectly free to claim your need for a third party to help your understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies never stand up to a crowd.
- Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image.
- Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "fact-challenged."
- If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
- Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "fact-challenged."
- Prepare to part ways. Understand that eventually, you'll have to create a separation between yourself and an impossible person. Whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally, impossible.
- If you can't (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
- If you can't (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
- Avoid picking up impossible traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible person's actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
- Protect your privacy. Impossible people will use any information on your personal life however small as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are very good at making you talk.
- Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think "Hey, she's not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going through these days...." Big mistake! It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such know what the best way to "handle" you is.
- Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think "Hey, she's not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going through these days...." Big mistake! It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such know what the best way to "handle" you is.
- Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and even some kindness (as difficult as that may be).
- We are all influenced by the people in our environment — they don't have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might get through to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a change.
- We are all influenced by the people in our environment — they don't have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might get through to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a change.
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Edit Tips
- If you care about the people in question and have longstanding relationships with them, try to get them to seek help.
- Don't become a martyr. Before you attempt to deal with impossible people yourself, you may have to learn how to control your own emotions. If you are simply unable to avoid an impossible person due to work, family, or other reasons, it is especially important to find other interests, join a support group, and seek therapy or religious counseling if necessary.
- Don't let them be the martyr that brings you down either. It is a real source of frustration to have a difficult person "play the martyr" around you to arouse your feelings of guilt and confusion. Beware this tactic and stand aside from them as they serve as their own martyr without you cementing their choice by fawning over them or conceding to their behavior.
- Be aware that all of us exhibit some of these personality "disorders" to some degree. It's just a question of how you define "normal".
- People with histrionic personality disorders, regardless of whether they happen to be male or female, are often referred to as “drama queens.” They live for attention, and will frequently go to great lengths in order to get it. They have to live in the right neighborhood, wear the right clothes, and send their kids to the right schools.
- Passive-aggressive people express their hostilities indirectly by pushing other people’s buttons without appearing to do so — like the dinner guest who exclaims innocently, "Wonderful meal, folks. I had no idea how delicious the cheaper cuts of meat could be!" or the sneaky "Don't worry about me, I'm fine," when you know perfectly well that if you say, "Okay," and go on with whatever you were doing, there are going to be problems to deal with later because he/she is most definitely not fine, and you should have known that.
- People with histrionic personality disorders, regardless of whether they happen to be male or female, are often referred to as “drama queens.” They live for attention, and will frequently go to great lengths in order to get it. They have to live in the right neighborhood, wear the right clothes, and send their kids to the right schools.
- If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be easier. You are getting a free education about how to deal with the most difficult people. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be valuable later in life.
- It may also help to call a spade a spade and realize that you are dealing with an emotional abuser. More helpful information can be found in literature on that topic.
- Be kind and friendly even though they may act like a jerk to receive negative attention. If they are lonely but don't know how to get attention, then they will appreciate what you are doing and change. If they are just natural jerks who love to make others mad, then what you are doing will enrage them because they can't figure out how to make you mad, and eventually they will leave you alone. Love is crucial, even if it is insanely difficult to perform in various situations.
- Be kind and friendly even though they may act like a jerk to receive negative attention. If they are lonely but don't know how to get attention, then they will appreciate what you are doing and change. If they are just natural jerks who love to make others mad, then what you are doing will enrage them because they can't figure out how to make you mad, and eventually they will leave you alone. Love is crucial, even if it is insanely difficult to perform in various situations.
- Don't disagree with them; find ways to be agreeable even if they are wrong. When they tell you that you donated the money for attention or whatever else, you can say that they might be right. Agreeing with impossible people sidetracks their steam as they continually look for arguments. You could even smile a bit as you agree with them, thus maintaining your good humor and away from falling back into anger.
- Note that the most healthy way to deal with an impossible person is to remove that person from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to a destructive person. Do not put up with it. You are worth more than that. Remember that you cannot "fix" this person.
- When the impossible person is abusing or slandering you, other people will start to show sympathy towards you. You don't need to do anything to make them look bad; she/he just digs his/her grave with no help from you. If s/he is angering you, others are also likely to be annoyed.
- Try to focus on the positive, even if you can't seem to think of anything. Something as simple as "God loves him/her" can keep you under control, even if you don't love them yourself.
- Ignore them. How better to undermine someone who wants to rant and rave in order to seek attention than to not give them the attention they want? If they cannot get your attention they will move on to someone else who will give them the attention they crave. Don't let it be you.
- Make sure you do not make impossible people angry; although they usually (of course) "have no temper" and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they will blow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale in comparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, think of their outbursts in the same way you would a child's tantrum, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a social skill worth developing. It might help to think of this person as having a health problem: this person needs help, needs constant management, and you may not be able to do it alone.
- Never tell others how you feel about this person. If you confess the impossible behavior of this impossible person, and the person you tell shares the same views as you have, then it is quite possible that this person might spread the chat you had with him/her. Then, when it reaches the ears of the impossible person in this case, regardless of the means by which this knowledge reaches him, s/he will make every possible attempt to degrade your image, because then s/he will know who started it.
- If for some reason you are able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" in the other direction, expressing the belief that if they can't be right in this one situation, then they must be 100% wrong all the time in every situation. This is a coping mechanism of theirs which attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build them back up.
Edit Related wikiHows
- How to Practice Nonviolent Communication
- How to Recognize and Cope With a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship
- How to Deal With Toxic People
- How to Get Along With Difficult People
- How to Deal With People Who Put You Down
- How to Deal with People Who Make Up Stories About You
Edit Sources and Citations
- Cavaiola, A. C., & Lavender, N. J. (2000). Toxic co-workers: How to deal with dysfunctional people on the job. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
- American Psychiatric Association (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, DSM-IV-TR, 4th ed. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
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Wednesday, November 21, 2012
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Yvette Bowlin
“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder
I’ve had my share of toxic relationships, or at least what I thought was toxic. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who were not shooting for our highest good.
As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically like I should.
I was feeling less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.
I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize—denying all that was natural for me.
The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.
I was guilty of it: hanging around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”
Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.
Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says was right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!
While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us, change and growth should feel good!
It’s important to know when you’re in a toxic relationship so you can choose something better for yourself.
When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.
But our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.
These are 5 signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.
Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.
Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.
Maybe you choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you decide to put more space between the two of you.
It’s important that if you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.
Now it’s your turn: Without giving names, do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Have you left a toxic relationship and want to share how that decision has changed your life? Or are you afraid to leave a toxic relationship because you fear the repercussions? Leave a comment and share your experience.
An added note: If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, get help today. Don’t wait.
Photo by nattu
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Yvette Bowlin
“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder
I’ve had my share of toxic relationships, or at least what I thought was toxic. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who were not shooting for our highest good.
As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically like I should.
I was feeling less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.
I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize—denying all that was natural for me.
The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.
I was guilty of it: hanging around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”
Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.
Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says was right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!
While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us, change and growth should feel good!
It’s important to know when you’re in a toxic relationship so you can choose something better for yourself.
When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.
But our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
“Toxic” doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship. I’d like to share how I learned to recognize when I was in a relationship that was not suitable for me.These are 5 signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.
The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.2. Everything is about them and never about you.
You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person.
Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.
You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, and neither do your closest friends and family.5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.
Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.
Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.
Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.
Maybe you choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you decide to put more space between the two of you.
It’s important that if you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.
Now it’s your turn: Without giving names, do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Have you left a toxic relationship and want to share how that decision has changed your life? Or are you afraid to leave a toxic relationship because you fear the repercussions? Leave a comment and share your experience.
An added note: If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, get help today. Don’t wait.
Photo by nattu
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Finding Direction When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is “Right”
Finding Direction When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is “Right”:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Stephanie Eller
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
Like so many others, I am a recent college graduate who is still living at my parents’ house and working my minimum wage high school job as I scour the web for opportunities and get one rejection email after another.
However, I don’t know how many others I can speak for when I say that I didn’t see this coming.
I graduated with a nursing degree and heard from more than a few people in the field that there was a shortage and jobs were plentiful. I had no back-up plan because I was so sure my Plan A would work out.
I was essentially blind-sided each and every time I got a rejection email because it meant I still had no direction.
The most terrifying part of all of this, though, isn’t the uncertainty about the future and complete lack of any idea where I’ll be six months or a year from now. Although it is pretty scary at times, there’s also an excitement to not having committed to a career yet and being able to have these kinds of options.
But of course I haven’t acted on them because the primary, overwhelming fear du jour is that of making the “wrong” choice.
One of the most freeing moments of my post-grad life was when I realized that no one can say what is the “right” or “wrong” decision for me.
What’s right for so many people (getting a job, getting engaged, putting down roots in one place) is certainly not right for me, at least not right now. So what’s to say what I want to do is any crazier?
Just because it’s not what someone else would do, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
And even if it doesn’t necessarily create a linear path from where I am now to where I think I want to be ten years from now (flight nursing in Seattle, in case you were wondering), who’s to say that where I think I want to be in the future is best or where I should be anyway?
For months, in the midst of tearful breakdowns, I would beg and plead for someone to tell me what to do; but any time someone gave me advice, I turned it down for one reason or another.
I think deep down inside, I know that I should follow my heart—that I’ve been turned down for so many jobs, jobs which I thought I was well-qualified for and sure to get, because I wasn’t supposed to get them.
I’ve had too many experiences with fate to not believe in it, and it has a funny way of directing you to where you’re supposed to be.
It seems to me that it’s better to make a decision and try something than it is to do nothing while waiting for an obvious sign—which, by the way, will never come in the form of a billboard or an instruction manual.
I wouldn’t say that I regret these past five months, but here I am with little to show for it when at least if I had, say, gone to Europe for a couple of months, I would be equally as unemployed and equally as far from a job as I am now, but I would have a life experience to show for it.
Who knows, maybe my travels would lead to a job more quickly than applying for another 50+ jobs online would?
I’m not saying that I have the biggest metaphorical cojones, but I have found that times when I have taken a chance and strayed from the norm (for example, doing a semester abroad in college when my advisor said, “Nursing majors don’t really study abroad.”) have led to some of the best, most rewarding experiences of my life.
It seems to me that the happiest people are those who don’t let practicality dictate their every move.
Think about it: it behooves the economy and the workforce for people to be held down by thoughts of paying mortgages and taxes, and working their forty hours a week; after all, if we all followed our dreams, would there be anywhere near as many people sitting behind desks, filing paperwork day after day?
Anyone has the chance to realize their dreams and truly do what they want. It just requires a lot of courage and decisiveness. What’s “practical” is almost completely in the eye of the beholder.
Would you rather look back on your life and say that you were capable of dreaming up amazing things or that you actually did amazing things?
I doubt I’m going to wish I had entered the workforce sooner. So, starting today, I’m going to make a list of the things I had dreamed of and just pick one.
Because as long as I’m the one choosing, as long as it’s something that I really want to do, and as long as it makes me happy, I know it won’t be the “wrong” choice.
–
A week after I wrote this, after continuing to weigh options and be indecisive, I decided in one day what my next step would be. Ironically enough, in the same day, I talked to a nurse recruiter at a local hospital and got a response from one of the WWOOF hosts I had contacted. (WWOOF stands for Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms.)
The nurse recruiter said she could get me in for an interview on a medical/surgical floor. “Med/surg” (general medical conditions and patients who are recovering from surgery) is not my first choice of floor to work on, but it would provide a new nurse with a wide set of skills that would be applicable if and when I did move to my first-choice floor (ER).
However, it would mean compromising on both the area of the hospital I want to work in as well as my plan to leave my hometown.
I almost let the practicality of it win, thinking that a year wouldn’t be that long and at least it would be a paycheck, but the whole thing just felt so wrong. I can’t imagine there will ever be enough practicality in the world to make me choose something when just the thought of brings me to tears.
Then I got the WWOOF email. Almost immediately I decided that this was what I was going to do even though it’s probably the least practical of the options I had considered. I’ll be spending a month volunteering at a hostel in California in exchange for a place to stay.
My tentative plan is to network and maybe spend some time volunteering at a local hospital to see if that leads to a nursing job in the area, but honestly, if nothing comes of this experience career-wise, I’m okay with it.
The experience will be (more than) enough for me, and in a month’s time, I’ll just decide what to do next.
I fully stand by what I’ve said I would do, and I have no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it. Sure enough, my parents, my friends, and my coworkers all think I’m crazy.
But in my experience, when people think you’re making the “crazy,” unorthodox choice, it usually means you’re taking a chance that will likely pay off.
Photo by Desmond Kavanagh
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Stephanie Eller
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
Like so many others, I am a recent college graduate who is still living at my parents’ house and working my minimum wage high school job as I scour the web for opportunities and get one rejection email after another.
However, I don’t know how many others I can speak for when I say that I didn’t see this coming.
I graduated with a nursing degree and heard from more than a few people in the field that there was a shortage and jobs were plentiful. I had no back-up plan because I was so sure my Plan A would work out.
I was essentially blind-sided each and every time I got a rejection email because it meant I still had no direction.
The most terrifying part of all of this, though, isn’t the uncertainty about the future and complete lack of any idea where I’ll be six months or a year from now. Although it is pretty scary at times, there’s also an excitement to not having committed to a career yet and being able to have these kinds of options.
But of course I haven’t acted on them because the primary, overwhelming fear du jour is that of making the “wrong” choice.
One of the most freeing moments of my post-grad life was when I realized that no one can say what is the “right” or “wrong” decision for me.
What’s right for so many people (getting a job, getting engaged, putting down roots in one place) is certainly not right for me, at least not right now. So what’s to say what I want to do is any crazier?
Just because it’s not what someone else would do, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
And even if it doesn’t necessarily create a linear path from where I am now to where I think I want to be ten years from now (flight nursing in Seattle, in case you were wondering), who’s to say that where I think I want to be in the future is best or where I should be anyway?
For months, in the midst of tearful breakdowns, I would beg and plead for someone to tell me what to do; but any time someone gave me advice, I turned it down for one reason or another.
I think deep down inside, I know that I should follow my heart—that I’ve been turned down for so many jobs, jobs which I thought I was well-qualified for and sure to get, because I wasn’t supposed to get them.
I’ve had too many experiences with fate to not believe in it, and it has a funny way of directing you to where you’re supposed to be.
It seems to me that it’s better to make a decision and try something than it is to do nothing while waiting for an obvious sign—which, by the way, will never come in the form of a billboard or an instruction manual.
I wouldn’t say that I regret these past five months, but here I am with little to show for it when at least if I had, say, gone to Europe for a couple of months, I would be equally as unemployed and equally as far from a job as I am now, but I would have a life experience to show for it.
Who knows, maybe my travels would lead to a job more quickly than applying for another 50+ jobs online would?
I’m not saying that I have the biggest metaphorical cojones, but I have found that times when I have taken a chance and strayed from the norm (for example, doing a semester abroad in college when my advisor said, “Nursing majors don’t really study abroad.”) have led to some of the best, most rewarding experiences of my life.
It seems to me that the happiest people are those who don’t let practicality dictate their every move.
Think about it: it behooves the economy and the workforce for people to be held down by thoughts of paying mortgages and taxes, and working their forty hours a week; after all, if we all followed our dreams, would there be anywhere near as many people sitting behind desks, filing paperwork day after day?
Anyone has the chance to realize their dreams and truly do what they want. It just requires a lot of courage and decisiveness. What’s “practical” is almost completely in the eye of the beholder.
Would you rather look back on your life and say that you were capable of dreaming up amazing things or that you actually did amazing things?
I doubt I’m going to wish I had entered the workforce sooner. So, starting today, I’m going to make a list of the things I had dreamed of and just pick one.
Because as long as I’m the one choosing, as long as it’s something that I really want to do, and as long as it makes me happy, I know it won’t be the “wrong” choice.
–
A week after I wrote this, after continuing to weigh options and be indecisive, I decided in one day what my next step would be. Ironically enough, in the same day, I talked to a nurse recruiter at a local hospital and got a response from one of the WWOOF hosts I had contacted. (WWOOF stands for Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms.)
The nurse recruiter said she could get me in for an interview on a medical/surgical floor. “Med/surg” (general medical conditions and patients who are recovering from surgery) is not my first choice of floor to work on, but it would provide a new nurse with a wide set of skills that would be applicable if and when I did move to my first-choice floor (ER).
However, it would mean compromising on both the area of the hospital I want to work in as well as my plan to leave my hometown.
I almost let the practicality of it win, thinking that a year wouldn’t be that long and at least it would be a paycheck, but the whole thing just felt so wrong. I can’t imagine there will ever be enough practicality in the world to make me choose something when just the thought of brings me to tears.
Then I got the WWOOF email. Almost immediately I decided that this was what I was going to do even though it’s probably the least practical of the options I had considered. I’ll be spending a month volunteering at a hostel in California in exchange for a place to stay.
My tentative plan is to network and maybe spend some time volunteering at a local hospital to see if that leads to a nursing job in the area, but honestly, if nothing comes of this experience career-wise, I’m okay with it.
The experience will be (more than) enough for me, and in a month’s time, I’ll just decide what to do next.
I fully stand by what I’ve said I would do, and I have no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it. Sure enough, my parents, my friends, and my coworkers all think I’m crazy.
But in my experience, when people think you’re making the “crazy,” unorthodox choice, it usually means you’re taking a chance that will likely pay off.
Photo by Desmond Kavanagh
4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships
4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Criola
“Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown
People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.
I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.
This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.
I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.
So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.
The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.
We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.
However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.
What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment?
My mind dug through tons of questions and my world felt not as open and wide anymore. We knew we would need to deal with lots of issues if we wanted to be together—ambitious career paths and different work/life-balances, immigration papers, money, languages, intercultural differences, a worried family on my side.
It‘s not easy to keep up with the constant uncertainty of the future, and I often feel tired of external factors that hinder us.
But it has also dawned on me that I can’t make myself the victim of circumstances. We need to keep putting our heads up high and take the distance as our current external state that shapes us but will change eventually.
I don’t deny we live on two different continents, and can‘t have breakfasts in bed or spontaneous weekend trips to the sea. But I always wished for a wonderful man with a beautiful character who loves me for who I am. Now I got my wish—just totally out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned some lessons along the way—and they may help even if you’re not in a long-distance relationship:
We don‘t hear from each other every day; sometimes we can‘t Skype for days due to clashing schedules or bad Internet connections. This is annoying but okay.
We remember to respect the other person‘s schedule and space; we don‘t expect the other one to be available all the time. I think it’s important to keep it light to a certain degree so that there’s no need of constant (virtual) presence that would be draining at some point.
Also, I feel much better after sharing my struggles with my boyfriend; it’s a way of being honest and authentic. Make yourself a team in this. If you take on challenges together, it’s easier to handle the physical distance, and you get closer and surely learn a lot about each other.
Even if you aren’t miles apart, you want to find the right balance of interaction, and spice up communication with surprises here and there. You want to handle challenges as a team and become closer through them.
Distance doesn‘t kill love; doubts do. Therefore I give my best in choosing love over doubt.
Sometimes I’m not strong enough and let fear creep in. Then I share my frustration with him, talk to a close friend, or do something uplifting just for myself.
Then the feeling of love comes back on its own and laughs gently on my worried mind.
Every relationship faces challenges, and doubts may plague us sometimes. It’s our mind that causes doubts, so we’re the ones who can choose to take on a different perspective.
I’m not suggesting oppressing worries (that may be reasonable in unhealthy relationships), but I’d like to encourage you to choose a positive outlook when it’s healthy, instead of blocking yourself with limiting thoughts or labels.
In a long-distance relationship it may even take more time to realize the other one is just as human as you.
Keep learning from each other, and don’t be afraid of discovering the flaws or challenges the other one may have. Try to first see what it is in you that makes you irritated, and exchange thoughts about it calmly and respectfully.
Always keep curious and ask lots of questions. Be willing to open up just as much.
Also, talk about where you want to head together and how you want to live. It’s important to create a vision together to know you’re on the same page.
As long as you respect and love your partner, you will always find a way to deal mindfully with conflict and disagreement.
Try to treat the distance as a friend, not an enemy. Be creative, play with the technical possibilities—celebrate occasionally with a dinner on Skype, watch a movie via shared screen, or dance to some good music. Your joy about sharing those day-to-day things may be very high, as you do not take them for granted.
Visit each other as often as you can, and spend time just the way you want. Save up money for visits, split costs, and plan activities you want to do together. This is crucial for you as a couple, and it refuels the batteries.
Even if you see your loved one often, you still need to consciously choose to spend quality time together.
I’ve learned that physical distance does not equal emotional distance, and there is so much to explore. It’s really what you make out of it.
The point is to not deny the hard parts, but also to not feel paralyzed by them.
These are just a few ways to find strength and happiness in a committed long-distance relationship. What’s your biggest love challenge, and how do you overcome it?
Photo by garryknight
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Criola
“Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown
People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.
I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.
This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.
I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.
So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.
The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.
We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.
However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.
What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment?
My mind dug through tons of questions and my world felt not as open and wide anymore. We knew we would need to deal with lots of issues if we wanted to be together—ambitious career paths and different work/life-balances, immigration papers, money, languages, intercultural differences, a worried family on my side.
It‘s not easy to keep up with the constant uncertainty of the future, and I often feel tired of external factors that hinder us.
But it has also dawned on me that I can’t make myself the victim of circumstances. We need to keep putting our heads up high and take the distance as our current external state that shapes us but will change eventually.
I don’t deny we live on two different continents, and can‘t have breakfasts in bed or spontaneous weekend trips to the sea. But I always wished for a wonderful man with a beautiful character who loves me for who I am. Now I got my wish—just totally out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned some lessons along the way—and they may help even if you’re not in a long-distance relationship:
1. Communicate.
It‘s important that you speak, listen, write, fight, and laugh with your partner about everything that’s meaningful to you. I use different channels for communication, and surprise my honey from time to time with a postcard, a colorful photo, or an unexpected call.We don‘t hear from each other every day; sometimes we can‘t Skype for days due to clashing schedules or bad Internet connections. This is annoying but okay.
We remember to respect the other person‘s schedule and space; we don‘t expect the other one to be available all the time. I think it’s important to keep it light to a certain degree so that there’s no need of constant (virtual) presence that would be draining at some point.
Also, I feel much better after sharing my struggles with my boyfriend; it’s a way of being honest and authentic. Make yourself a team in this. If you take on challenges together, it’s easier to handle the physical distance, and you get closer and surely learn a lot about each other.
Even if you aren’t miles apart, you want to find the right balance of interaction, and spice up communication with surprises here and there. You want to handle challenges as a team and become closer through them.
2. Challenge your doubts.
I can‘t make the distance define my feelings for him. It is what it is, and we can only do our best today in loving each other, and work toward a life together with patience and faith.Distance doesn‘t kill love; doubts do. Therefore I give my best in choosing love over doubt.
Sometimes I’m not strong enough and let fear creep in. Then I share my frustration with him, talk to a close friend, or do something uplifting just for myself.
Then the feeling of love comes back on its own and laughs gently on my worried mind.
Every relationship faces challenges, and doubts may plague us sometimes. It’s our mind that causes doubts, so we’re the ones who can choose to take on a different perspective.
I’m not suggesting oppressing worries (that may be reasonable in unhealthy relationships), but I’d like to encourage you to choose a positive outlook when it’s healthy, instead of blocking yourself with limiting thoughts or labels.
3. Become clear about who you are and what you want.
If you love whole-heartedly it’s easy to put the other one on a pedestal and treat him/her like a superhero.In a long-distance relationship it may even take more time to realize the other one is just as human as you.
Keep learning from each other, and don’t be afraid of discovering the flaws or challenges the other one may have. Try to first see what it is in you that makes you irritated, and exchange thoughts about it calmly and respectfully.
Always keep curious and ask lots of questions. Be willing to open up just as much.
Also, talk about where you want to head together and how you want to live. It’s important to create a vision together to know you’re on the same page.
As long as you respect and love your partner, you will always find a way to deal mindfully with conflict and disagreement.
4. Spend quality time together.
You don‘t need to talk every day. Just make sure the time with each other is well spent. Laugh a lot.Try to treat the distance as a friend, not an enemy. Be creative, play with the technical possibilities—celebrate occasionally with a dinner on Skype, watch a movie via shared screen, or dance to some good music. Your joy about sharing those day-to-day things may be very high, as you do not take them for granted.
Visit each other as often as you can, and spend time just the way you want. Save up money for visits, split costs, and plan activities you want to do together. This is crucial for you as a couple, and it refuels the batteries.
Even if you see your loved one often, you still need to consciously choose to spend quality time together.
I’ve learned that physical distance does not equal emotional distance, and there is so much to explore. It’s really what you make out of it.
The point is to not deny the hard parts, but also to not feel paralyzed by them.
These are just a few ways to find strength and happiness in a committed long-distance relationship. What’s your biggest love challenge, and how do you overcome it?
Photo by garryknight
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Stop Overextending Yourself to Please Others: 6 Simple Tips
Stop Overextending Yourself to Please Others: 6 Simple Tips:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Lee Sumner Irwin
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
In a span of one month, my beloved little red Toyota catches on fire, burning to a molten blob; I land in the emergency room with a ruptured disc after lifting a child out of her wheelchair; and I try a do-it-yourself hair highlighting kit, which leaves me looking, well, think Phyllis Diller.
I feel confused. I have tried so hard to do all the right things. How could my life have gotten so off track?
I am in the grip of a disorder some people might call manic compression—trying to do everything perfectly in an attempt to please everyone around me. Some of my friends seem to be enjoying life, but I’m definitely not.
I flounder, looking for answers to this dilemma, without the vaguest inkling that I have created the situation. I call friends and bore them with my woeful tales of angst and doubt. I wake up every morning at 3:00 to wrestle with my pillow for an hour and then, as a last resort, drag my journal off the nightstand and into my lap.
Most of what I write in that diary is page after page of questions with the same themes: Why are these bad things happening? How can I stop feeling so befuddled? Will I ever sleep again?
You know how sometimes life sends little presents just when we need them. I was having lunch with a friend who was excited about sharing a story she had just read. She reached into her purse and pulled out a copy of Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters by Portia Nelson:
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in; it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
As I read this concise story, I spotted my personal deep hole in the sidewalk—the habit of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own.
Because I had been so busy taking care of the real and imagined needs of the people in my life, I didn’t take time to do the proper maintenance on my Toyota. I injured my back because I felt overwhelmed, rushing to get to my next meeting, and didn’t stop to ask for help lifting the student.
I realized I was living in Chapter II. I had ignored the warning signs and fallen into my deep hole again.
A glimmer of hope started to flicker through my confusion. If I created this drama, there is a possibility that I can create something different, something less crazy-making.
Just maybe I can move on to Chapter IV and V where I walk around the deep hole or choose to walk a new path.
I began to wake up to the idea that I actually do have choices. I can make decisions based on my preferences and needs instead of a sense of obligation.
I have a choice about how I respond to others’ demands. A choice about how I react when the tsunami of items on my to-do list threatens to overwhelm me. A choice about saying, “yes” to one more volunteer project or saying “thanks, but not now.”
While I was wandering through the self-help section of the library, a book fell off the shelf and landed at my feet. I opened it to a random page and my eyes fell on the phrase: we’re all perfectly imperfect human beings.
I like the freedom inherent in this thought. If being imperfect is part of the definition of being human, maybe it’s okay for me to make mistakes and (oh, goodness!) disappoint someone!
I offer here a handful of strategies that helped me begin to put my needs first, with the hope that some of them will resonate for you.
Six simple secrets for embracing imperfection and honoring your needs:
As I look back ten years to that dreadful month, I see that my struggle for perfection had left me exhausted, disgruntled, and confused.
I found the key to greater happiness was allowing myself to embrace my needs and put myself first. Once I started making friends with my perfectly imperfect self, I began to enjoy a sense of relief and calmness.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but putting my needs at the top of the list actually helps me be more present for other people. I’m much more likely to respond to their needs effectively instead of reacting in a way that makes things worse.
I’m grateful discover a way to live in the world where I feel I have a choice in each moment. I am waking up to the reality that I deserve nurturing and compassion from myself, even on a bad hair day. So do you.
Photo by Silentmind8
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Lee Sumner Irwin
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
In a span of one month, my beloved little red Toyota catches on fire, burning to a molten blob; I land in the emergency room with a ruptured disc after lifting a child out of her wheelchair; and I try a do-it-yourself hair highlighting kit, which leaves me looking, well, think Phyllis Diller.
I feel confused. I have tried so hard to do all the right things. How could my life have gotten so off track?
I am in the grip of a disorder some people might call manic compression—trying to do everything perfectly in an attempt to please everyone around me. Some of my friends seem to be enjoying life, but I’m definitely not.
I flounder, looking for answers to this dilemma, without the vaguest inkling that I have created the situation. I call friends and bore them with my woeful tales of angst and doubt. I wake up every morning at 3:00 to wrestle with my pillow for an hour and then, as a last resort, drag my journal off the nightstand and into my lap.
Most of what I write in that diary is page after page of questions with the same themes: Why are these bad things happening? How can I stop feeling so befuddled? Will I ever sleep again?
You know how sometimes life sends little presents just when we need them. I was having lunch with a friend who was excited about sharing a story she had just read. She reached into her purse and pulled out a copy of Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters by Portia Nelson:
I
I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in; it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.As I read this concise story, I spotted my personal deep hole in the sidewalk—the habit of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own.
Because I had been so busy taking care of the real and imagined needs of the people in my life, I didn’t take time to do the proper maintenance on my Toyota. I injured my back because I felt overwhelmed, rushing to get to my next meeting, and didn’t stop to ask for help lifting the student.
I realized I was living in Chapter II. I had ignored the warning signs and fallen into my deep hole again.
A glimmer of hope started to flicker through my confusion. If I created this drama, there is a possibility that I can create something different, something less crazy-making.
Just maybe I can move on to Chapter IV and V where I walk around the deep hole or choose to walk a new path.
I began to wake up to the idea that I actually do have choices. I can make decisions based on my preferences and needs instead of a sense of obligation.
I have a choice about how I respond to others’ demands. A choice about how I react when the tsunami of items on my to-do list threatens to overwhelm me. A choice about saying, “yes” to one more volunteer project or saying “thanks, but not now.”
While I was wandering through the self-help section of the library, a book fell off the shelf and landed at my feet. I opened it to a random page and my eyes fell on the phrase: we’re all perfectly imperfect human beings.
I like the freedom inherent in this thought. If being imperfect is part of the definition of being human, maybe it’s okay for me to make mistakes and (oh, goodness!) disappoint someone!
I offer here a handful of strategies that helped me begin to put my needs first, with the hope that some of them will resonate for you.
Six simple secrets for embracing imperfection and honoring your needs:
1. Now thyself.
Follow these simple steps and, in one minute, you can get a tiny break from the pushy, critical voice in your head:- Find a place of solitude.
- Sit down.
- Place your legs in a relaxed but fixed position.
- Sit up.
- Set your alarm for exactly one minute.
- Place your hands in a relaxed but fixed position.
- Close your eyes.
- Focus all your attention on your breathing.
- When the alarm sounds, stop.
2. Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.
How often do you hear yourself saying the “S” word throughout the day? This is a clue to places you may be unconsciously putting demands for perfection on yourself or others.3. Know the payoff.
Even the most damaging behaviors have a payoff. If you did not believe the behavior delivered some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you’ve got to stop “paying yourself off” for doing it.4. Enlighten up.
You can play life full out and at the same time not take it, or yourself, too seriously.5. Take your turn.
Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you develop the resources and resolve to believe that you deserve what you want, you will be able to step up and claim it.6. Get off the psycho path and onto the scenic path.
Most of us are conditioned to think things have to be hard to be worthwhile. We habitually choose the hardest method, the most difficult path. How would your life be different if you let yourself off the hook and chose the way that felt easier?As I look back ten years to that dreadful month, I see that my struggle for perfection had left me exhausted, disgruntled, and confused.
I found the key to greater happiness was allowing myself to embrace my needs and put myself first. Once I started making friends with my perfectly imperfect self, I began to enjoy a sense of relief and calmness.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but putting my needs at the top of the list actually helps me be more present for other people. I’m much more likely to respond to their needs effectively instead of reacting in a way that makes things worse.
I’m grateful discover a way to live in the world where I feel I have a choice in each moment. I am waking up to the reality that I deserve nurturing and compassion from myself, even on a bad hair day. So do you.
Photo by Silentmind8
Thursday, November 15, 2012
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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough
Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Charlie Tranchemontagne
“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene
There was a time in my life when I struggled to share my pain. I actually took great pride in how stubborn I had become. It wasn’t until I started looking within myself that these prideful attitudes started to shift. Actually, my whole life started to change.
Once I started my journey of self-discovery, I no longer wanted to deal with my pain by myself. I slowly reached out to others and asked them for help.
It was in asking for help and sharing my pain with others that I felt myself getting stronger.
I didn’t expect, however, that I’d need to ask for help repeatedly.
In August of 2006, I was with a small group of people inside a airplane hanger that was used as a classroom to give instruction for skydiving. Worn-out couches and old beanbag chairs formed a circle where we gathered. The décor on the walls was something you’d find in a local head shop that sold 60’s and 70’s paraphernalia.
A positive vibe filled the room, as a young instructor prepped us on the safety procedures needed for jumping out of the plane.
It had been sixteen years since I had made my first jump. When I shared this information with the instructor, she asked me, “What took you so long to come back?”
I didn’t respond out loud, but simply smiled. I wasn’t brave enough to explain why I had come back this time.
Initially, I jumped in the fall of 1990 as a way for me to turn my life over to a higher power; that jump marked the beginning of my inner journey.
Skydiving had helped me change my life from despair to hope. For me, it wasn’t about seeking adventure or adrenaline; it was about letting go and finding myself. I had no intention of making a second jump.
But I eventually discovered that my first jump was only the beginning of my journey.
Why did it take me sixteen years to come back? Pride and stubbornness kept me away. I didn’t want to admit that things in my life had become difficult. When I did, I felt that I needed to return to skydiving to help me, once again, let go.
Yes, I can be a very stubborn person. Letting go doesn’t always come easily for me. Despite the number of years I’ve been journeying and evolving, I still resist change. It is hard for me to accept that change is hard work and it requires a willingness to let go—often.
I thought that once I committed myself to walking a new path, everything in my life would just fall in place, and life would finally “be perfect.” At the beginning of my journey, I tried to only adhere to “positive” philosophies and like so many others, I immersed myself with anything and everything that was uplifting.
For the most part, this approach worked well for me. I had many “blissful” moments and personal discoveries that reinforced my new beliefs. I wanted to somehow contain this “blissfulness” like a Red Bull energy drink, and have it at my disposal. I wanted to feel good all the time.
But in June of 2003, my dad died. He had been battling cancer for several years. We didn’t have a close relationship when I was growing up, but after he got sick, we started to spend more time together. Unfortunately, our time ran out, leaving me with countless unanswered questions.
Overwhelmed with grief, I found myself reaching for an old remedy that I’d often depended on to numb my pain—alcohol. I had abused it most of my teenage years and into my early twenties.
The night my dad died, I sat at a bar and got drunk. When I got home I became very sick. I felt like a fool. Self-pity flooded me. How could this of happened to me? All the personal progress and growth I had made during the past thirteen years seemed to just go out the window. I was in a dark place.
A few more unpleasant episodes followed that night, but by the summer of 2006, I was ready to reach out again. I wanted to get out of this hole I had fallen into. Sky diving a second time made perfect sense; making another jump was my way of starting over.
Sometimes, I just want my path to be easy, to be nothing but bliss. I still have a tendency to think that when the road gets tough, I must be doing something wrong. It usually comes back to my thinking that I am in control of everything, but the truth is I am not.
I can make new choices, I can take bold actions, but I can’t control how life unfolds. I am still learning this valuable and difficult lesson. I can be a slow learner at times. It helps to remind myself that through some of my darkest moments, I have grown the most.
If there are any words I could share to offer as encouragement to fellow travelers, they would be, first: Be good to yourself when your journey gets rough. Remember, it’s the rough times, the painful times that will bring about real change. Pain is a great motivator.
Second, whether in a community like Tiny Buddha or with a close friend, reach out, share your pain, don’t isolate yourself. Know that you are not alone in your struggles.
Lastly, remember that it can change your life if you let others in. By sharing your pain with someone else you will grow stronger and so will they.
Photo by snapper sam
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Charlie Tranchemontagne
“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene
There was a time in my life when I struggled to share my pain. I actually took great pride in how stubborn I had become. It wasn’t until I started looking within myself that these prideful attitudes started to shift. Actually, my whole life started to change.
Once I started my journey of self-discovery, I no longer wanted to deal with my pain by myself. I slowly reached out to others and asked them for help.
It was in asking for help and sharing my pain with others that I felt myself getting stronger.
I didn’t expect, however, that I’d need to ask for help repeatedly.
In August of 2006, I was with a small group of people inside a airplane hanger that was used as a classroom to give instruction for skydiving. Worn-out couches and old beanbag chairs formed a circle where we gathered. The décor on the walls was something you’d find in a local head shop that sold 60’s and 70’s paraphernalia.
A positive vibe filled the room, as a young instructor prepped us on the safety procedures needed for jumping out of the plane.
It had been sixteen years since I had made my first jump. When I shared this information with the instructor, she asked me, “What took you so long to come back?”
I didn’t respond out loud, but simply smiled. I wasn’t brave enough to explain why I had come back this time.
Initially, I jumped in the fall of 1990 as a way for me to turn my life over to a higher power; that jump marked the beginning of my inner journey.
Skydiving had helped me change my life from despair to hope. For me, it wasn’t about seeking adventure or adrenaline; it was about letting go and finding myself. I had no intention of making a second jump.
But I eventually discovered that my first jump was only the beginning of my journey.
Why did it take me sixteen years to come back? Pride and stubbornness kept me away. I didn’t want to admit that things in my life had become difficult. When I did, I felt that I needed to return to skydiving to help me, once again, let go.
Yes, I can be a very stubborn person. Letting go doesn’t always come easily for me. Despite the number of years I’ve been journeying and evolving, I still resist change. It is hard for me to accept that change is hard work and it requires a willingness to let go—often.
I thought that once I committed myself to walking a new path, everything in my life would just fall in place, and life would finally “be perfect.” At the beginning of my journey, I tried to only adhere to “positive” philosophies and like so many others, I immersed myself with anything and everything that was uplifting.
For the most part, this approach worked well for me. I had many “blissful” moments and personal discoveries that reinforced my new beliefs. I wanted to somehow contain this “blissfulness” like a Red Bull energy drink, and have it at my disposal. I wanted to feel good all the time.
But in June of 2003, my dad died. He had been battling cancer for several years. We didn’t have a close relationship when I was growing up, but after he got sick, we started to spend more time together. Unfortunately, our time ran out, leaving me with countless unanswered questions.
Overwhelmed with grief, I found myself reaching for an old remedy that I’d often depended on to numb my pain—alcohol. I had abused it most of my teenage years and into my early twenties.
The night my dad died, I sat at a bar and got drunk. When I got home I became very sick. I felt like a fool. Self-pity flooded me. How could this of happened to me? All the personal progress and growth I had made during the past thirteen years seemed to just go out the window. I was in a dark place.
A few more unpleasant episodes followed that night, but by the summer of 2006, I was ready to reach out again. I wanted to get out of this hole I had fallen into. Sky diving a second time made perfect sense; making another jump was my way of starting over.
Sometimes, I just want my path to be easy, to be nothing but bliss. I still have a tendency to think that when the road gets tough, I must be doing something wrong. It usually comes back to my thinking that I am in control of everything, but the truth is I am not.
I can make new choices, I can take bold actions, but I can’t control how life unfolds. I am still learning this valuable and difficult lesson. I can be a slow learner at times. It helps to remind myself that through some of my darkest moments, I have grown the most.
If there are any words I could share to offer as encouragement to fellow travelers, they would be, first: Be good to yourself when your journey gets rough. Remember, it’s the rough times, the painful times that will bring about real change. Pain is a great motivator.
Second, whether in a community like Tiny Buddha or with a close friend, reach out, share your pain, don’t isolate yourself. Know that you are not alone in your struggles.
Lastly, remember that it can change your life if you let others in. By sharing your pain with someone else you will grow stronger and so will they.
Photo by snapper sam
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Giving a 100% - Keeping it 100
