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Thursday, November 29, 2012
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Tuesday, November 27, 2012
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Saturday, November 24, 2012
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Wednesday, November 21, 2012
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Yvette Bowlin
“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder
I’ve had my share of toxic relationships, or at least what I thought was toxic. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who were not shooting for our highest good.
As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically like I should.
I was feeling less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.
I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize—denying all that was natural for me.
The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.
I was guilty of it: hanging around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”
Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.
Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says was right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!
While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us, change and growth should feel good!
It’s important to know when you’re in a toxic relationship so you can choose something better for yourself.
When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.
But our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.
These are 5 signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.
Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.
Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.
Maybe you choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you decide to put more space between the two of you.
It’s important that if you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.
Now it’s your turn: Without giving names, do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Have you left a toxic relationship and want to share how that decision has changed your life? Or are you afraid to leave a toxic relationship because you fear the repercussions? Leave a comment and share your experience.
An added note: If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, get help today. Don’t wait.
Photo by nattu
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Yvette Bowlin
“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder
I’ve had my share of toxic relationships, or at least what I thought was toxic. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who were not shooting for our highest good.
As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically like I should.
I was feeling less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.
I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize—denying all that was natural for me.
The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.
I was guilty of it: hanging around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”
Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.
Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says was right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!
While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us, change and growth should feel good!
It’s important to know when you’re in a toxic relationship so you can choose something better for yourself.
When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.
But our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.
5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship
“Toxic” doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship. I’d like to share how I learned to recognize when I was in a relationship that was not suitable for me.These are 5 signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.
The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.2. Everything is about them and never about you.
You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person.
Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.
You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, and neither do your closest friends and family.5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.
Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.
Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.
Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.
Maybe you choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you decide to put more space between the two of you.
It’s important that if you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.
Now it’s your turn: Without giving names, do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Have you left a toxic relationship and want to share how that decision has changed your life? Or are you afraid to leave a toxic relationship because you fear the repercussions? Leave a comment and share your experience.
An added note: If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, get help today. Don’t wait.
Photo by nattu
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Finding Direction When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is “Right”
Finding Direction When You’re Not Sure Which Choice Is “Right”:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Stephanie Eller
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
Like so many others, I am a recent college graduate who is still living at my parents’ house and working my minimum wage high school job as I scour the web for opportunities and get one rejection email after another.
However, I don’t know how many others I can speak for when I say that I didn’t see this coming.
I graduated with a nursing degree and heard from more than a few people in the field that there was a shortage and jobs were plentiful. I had no back-up plan because I was so sure my Plan A would work out.
I was essentially blind-sided each and every time I got a rejection email because it meant I still had no direction.
The most terrifying part of all of this, though, isn’t the uncertainty about the future and complete lack of any idea where I’ll be six months or a year from now. Although it is pretty scary at times, there’s also an excitement to not having committed to a career yet and being able to have these kinds of options.
But of course I haven’t acted on them because the primary, overwhelming fear du jour is that of making the “wrong” choice.
One of the most freeing moments of my post-grad life was when I realized that no one can say what is the “right” or “wrong” decision for me.
What’s right for so many people (getting a job, getting engaged, putting down roots in one place) is certainly not right for me, at least not right now. So what’s to say what I want to do is any crazier?
Just because it’s not what someone else would do, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
And even if it doesn’t necessarily create a linear path from where I am now to where I think I want to be ten years from now (flight nursing in Seattle, in case you were wondering), who’s to say that where I think I want to be in the future is best or where I should be anyway?
For months, in the midst of tearful breakdowns, I would beg and plead for someone to tell me what to do; but any time someone gave me advice, I turned it down for one reason or another.
I think deep down inside, I know that I should follow my heart—that I’ve been turned down for so many jobs, jobs which I thought I was well-qualified for and sure to get, because I wasn’t supposed to get them.
I’ve had too many experiences with fate to not believe in it, and it has a funny way of directing you to where you’re supposed to be.
It seems to me that it’s better to make a decision and try something than it is to do nothing while waiting for an obvious sign—which, by the way, will never come in the form of a billboard or an instruction manual.
I wouldn’t say that I regret these past five months, but here I am with little to show for it when at least if I had, say, gone to Europe for a couple of months, I would be equally as unemployed and equally as far from a job as I am now, but I would have a life experience to show for it.
Who knows, maybe my travels would lead to a job more quickly than applying for another 50+ jobs online would?
I’m not saying that I have the biggest metaphorical cojones, but I have found that times when I have taken a chance and strayed from the norm (for example, doing a semester abroad in college when my advisor said, “Nursing majors don’t really study abroad.”) have led to some of the best, most rewarding experiences of my life.
It seems to me that the happiest people are those who don’t let practicality dictate their every move.
Think about it: it behooves the economy and the workforce for people to be held down by thoughts of paying mortgages and taxes, and working their forty hours a week; after all, if we all followed our dreams, would there be anywhere near as many people sitting behind desks, filing paperwork day after day?
Anyone has the chance to realize their dreams and truly do what they want. It just requires a lot of courage and decisiveness. What’s “practical” is almost completely in the eye of the beholder.
Would you rather look back on your life and say that you were capable of dreaming up amazing things or that you actually did amazing things?
I doubt I’m going to wish I had entered the workforce sooner. So, starting today, I’m going to make a list of the things I had dreamed of and just pick one.
Because as long as I’m the one choosing, as long as it’s something that I really want to do, and as long as it makes me happy, I know it won’t be the “wrong” choice.
–
A week after I wrote this, after continuing to weigh options and be indecisive, I decided in one day what my next step would be. Ironically enough, in the same day, I talked to a nurse recruiter at a local hospital and got a response from one of the WWOOF hosts I had contacted. (WWOOF stands for Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms.)
The nurse recruiter said she could get me in for an interview on a medical/surgical floor. “Med/surg” (general medical conditions and patients who are recovering from surgery) is not my first choice of floor to work on, but it would provide a new nurse with a wide set of skills that would be applicable if and when I did move to my first-choice floor (ER).
However, it would mean compromising on both the area of the hospital I want to work in as well as my plan to leave my hometown.
I almost let the practicality of it win, thinking that a year wouldn’t be that long and at least it would be a paycheck, but the whole thing just felt so wrong. I can’t imagine there will ever be enough practicality in the world to make me choose something when just the thought of brings me to tears.
Then I got the WWOOF email. Almost immediately I decided that this was what I was going to do even though it’s probably the least practical of the options I had considered. I’ll be spending a month volunteering at a hostel in California in exchange for a place to stay.
My tentative plan is to network and maybe spend some time volunteering at a local hospital to see if that leads to a nursing job in the area, but honestly, if nothing comes of this experience career-wise, I’m okay with it.
The experience will be (more than) enough for me, and in a month’s time, I’ll just decide what to do next.
I fully stand by what I’ve said I would do, and I have no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it. Sure enough, my parents, my friends, and my coworkers all think I’m crazy.
But in my experience, when people think you’re making the “crazy,” unorthodox choice, it usually means you’re taking a chance that will likely pay off.
Photo by Desmond Kavanagh
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Stephanie Eller
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
Like so many others, I am a recent college graduate who is still living at my parents’ house and working my minimum wage high school job as I scour the web for opportunities and get one rejection email after another.
However, I don’t know how many others I can speak for when I say that I didn’t see this coming.
I graduated with a nursing degree and heard from more than a few people in the field that there was a shortage and jobs were plentiful. I had no back-up plan because I was so sure my Plan A would work out.
I was essentially blind-sided each and every time I got a rejection email because it meant I still had no direction.
The most terrifying part of all of this, though, isn’t the uncertainty about the future and complete lack of any idea where I’ll be six months or a year from now. Although it is pretty scary at times, there’s also an excitement to not having committed to a career yet and being able to have these kinds of options.
But of course I haven’t acted on them because the primary, overwhelming fear du jour is that of making the “wrong” choice.
One of the most freeing moments of my post-grad life was when I realized that no one can say what is the “right” or “wrong” decision for me.
What’s right for so many people (getting a job, getting engaged, putting down roots in one place) is certainly not right for me, at least not right now. So what’s to say what I want to do is any crazier?
Just because it’s not what someone else would do, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
And even if it doesn’t necessarily create a linear path from where I am now to where I think I want to be ten years from now (flight nursing in Seattle, in case you were wondering), who’s to say that where I think I want to be in the future is best or where I should be anyway?
For months, in the midst of tearful breakdowns, I would beg and plead for someone to tell me what to do; but any time someone gave me advice, I turned it down for one reason or another.
I think deep down inside, I know that I should follow my heart—that I’ve been turned down for so many jobs, jobs which I thought I was well-qualified for and sure to get, because I wasn’t supposed to get them.
I’ve had too many experiences with fate to not believe in it, and it has a funny way of directing you to where you’re supposed to be.
It seems to me that it’s better to make a decision and try something than it is to do nothing while waiting for an obvious sign—which, by the way, will never come in the form of a billboard or an instruction manual.
I wouldn’t say that I regret these past five months, but here I am with little to show for it when at least if I had, say, gone to Europe for a couple of months, I would be equally as unemployed and equally as far from a job as I am now, but I would have a life experience to show for it.
Who knows, maybe my travels would lead to a job more quickly than applying for another 50+ jobs online would?
I’m not saying that I have the biggest metaphorical cojones, but I have found that times when I have taken a chance and strayed from the norm (for example, doing a semester abroad in college when my advisor said, “Nursing majors don’t really study abroad.”) have led to some of the best, most rewarding experiences of my life.
It seems to me that the happiest people are those who don’t let practicality dictate their every move.
Think about it: it behooves the economy and the workforce for people to be held down by thoughts of paying mortgages and taxes, and working their forty hours a week; after all, if we all followed our dreams, would there be anywhere near as many people sitting behind desks, filing paperwork day after day?
Anyone has the chance to realize their dreams and truly do what they want. It just requires a lot of courage and decisiveness. What’s “practical” is almost completely in the eye of the beholder.
Would you rather look back on your life and say that you were capable of dreaming up amazing things or that you actually did amazing things?
I doubt I’m going to wish I had entered the workforce sooner. So, starting today, I’m going to make a list of the things I had dreamed of and just pick one.
Because as long as I’m the one choosing, as long as it’s something that I really want to do, and as long as it makes me happy, I know it won’t be the “wrong” choice.
–
A week after I wrote this, after continuing to weigh options and be indecisive, I decided in one day what my next step would be. Ironically enough, in the same day, I talked to a nurse recruiter at a local hospital and got a response from one of the WWOOF hosts I had contacted. (WWOOF stands for Worldwide Opportunities on Organic Farms.)
The nurse recruiter said she could get me in for an interview on a medical/surgical floor. “Med/surg” (general medical conditions and patients who are recovering from surgery) is not my first choice of floor to work on, but it would provide a new nurse with a wide set of skills that would be applicable if and when I did move to my first-choice floor (ER).
However, it would mean compromising on both the area of the hospital I want to work in as well as my plan to leave my hometown.
I almost let the practicality of it win, thinking that a year wouldn’t be that long and at least it would be a paycheck, but the whole thing just felt so wrong. I can’t imagine there will ever be enough practicality in the world to make me choose something when just the thought of brings me to tears.
Then I got the WWOOF email. Almost immediately I decided that this was what I was going to do even though it’s probably the least practical of the options I had considered. I’ll be spending a month volunteering at a hostel in California in exchange for a place to stay.
My tentative plan is to network and maybe spend some time volunteering at a local hospital to see if that leads to a nursing job in the area, but honestly, if nothing comes of this experience career-wise, I’m okay with it.
The experience will be (more than) enough for me, and in a month’s time, I’ll just decide what to do next.
I fully stand by what I’ve said I would do, and I have no doubt in my mind that it will be worth it. Sure enough, my parents, my friends, and my coworkers all think I’m crazy.
But in my experience, when people think you’re making the “crazy,” unorthodox choice, it usually means you’re taking a chance that will likely pay off.
Photo by Desmond Kavanagh
4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships
4 Lessons About Love and Long-Distance Relationships:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Criola
“Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown
People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.
I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.
This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.
I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.
So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.
The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.
We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.
However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.
What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment?
My mind dug through tons of questions and my world felt not as open and wide anymore. We knew we would need to deal with lots of issues if we wanted to be together—ambitious career paths and different work/life-balances, immigration papers, money, languages, intercultural differences, a worried family on my side.
It‘s not easy to keep up with the constant uncertainty of the future, and I often feel tired of external factors that hinder us.
But it has also dawned on me that I can’t make myself the victim of circumstances. We need to keep putting our heads up high and take the distance as our current external state that shapes us but will change eventually.
I don’t deny we live on two different continents, and can‘t have breakfasts in bed or spontaneous weekend trips to the sea. But I always wished for a wonderful man with a beautiful character who loves me for who I am. Now I got my wish—just totally out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned some lessons along the way—and they may help even if you’re not in a long-distance relationship:
We don‘t hear from each other every day; sometimes we can‘t Skype for days due to clashing schedules or bad Internet connections. This is annoying but okay.
We remember to respect the other person‘s schedule and space; we don‘t expect the other one to be available all the time. I think it’s important to keep it light to a certain degree so that there’s no need of constant (virtual) presence that would be draining at some point.
Also, I feel much better after sharing my struggles with my boyfriend; it’s a way of being honest and authentic. Make yourself a team in this. If you take on challenges together, it’s easier to handle the physical distance, and you get closer and surely learn a lot about each other.
Even if you aren’t miles apart, you want to find the right balance of interaction, and spice up communication with surprises here and there. You want to handle challenges as a team and become closer through them.
Distance doesn‘t kill love; doubts do. Therefore I give my best in choosing love over doubt.
Sometimes I’m not strong enough and let fear creep in. Then I share my frustration with him, talk to a close friend, or do something uplifting just for myself.
Then the feeling of love comes back on its own and laughs gently on my worried mind.
Every relationship faces challenges, and doubts may plague us sometimes. It’s our mind that causes doubts, so we’re the ones who can choose to take on a different perspective.
I’m not suggesting oppressing worries (that may be reasonable in unhealthy relationships), but I’d like to encourage you to choose a positive outlook when it’s healthy, instead of blocking yourself with limiting thoughts or labels.
In a long-distance relationship it may even take more time to realize the other one is just as human as you.
Keep learning from each other, and don’t be afraid of discovering the flaws or challenges the other one may have. Try to first see what it is in you that makes you irritated, and exchange thoughts about it calmly and respectfully.
Always keep curious and ask lots of questions. Be willing to open up just as much.
Also, talk about where you want to head together and how you want to live. It’s important to create a vision together to know you’re on the same page.
As long as you respect and love your partner, you will always find a way to deal mindfully with conflict and disagreement.
Try to treat the distance as a friend, not an enemy. Be creative, play with the technical possibilities—celebrate occasionally with a dinner on Skype, watch a movie via shared screen, or dance to some good music. Your joy about sharing those day-to-day things may be very high, as you do not take them for granted.
Visit each other as often as you can, and spend time just the way you want. Save up money for visits, split costs, and plan activities you want to do together. This is crucial for you as a couple, and it refuels the batteries.
Even if you see your loved one often, you still need to consciously choose to spend quality time together.
I’ve learned that physical distance does not equal emotional distance, and there is so much to explore. It’s really what you make out of it.
The point is to not deny the hard parts, but also to not feel paralyzed by them.
These are just a few ways to find strength and happiness in a committed long-distance relationship. What’s your biggest love challenge, and how do you overcome it?
Photo by garryknight
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Criola
“Distance means so little when someone means so much.” ~Unknown
People tend to think long-distance relationships are one of the hardest possible ways of loving someone. I live in one: As a young European, I am deeply in love with my African boyfriend who pursues his career in Asia.
I met my love about two years ago. After dating for a few months and sharing a wonderful time in an Asian country, we split up, as he had many doubts about things that seemed to separate us. At this point in time, our differences seemed to be too wide to merge them into a happy, long-lasting life together.
This period was very painful for both of us. After one year—when I had already returned to my home country—he approached me again, explaining how wrong he was, and asking for a second chance.
I didn’t know what this implied, but my heart was saying wholeheartedly yes as I was confident the differences weren’t stronger than our love. My heart felt embedded in his, and I still loved him deeply.
So we started fresh again—this time with an extreme distance between us.
The first months felt easy, as the bliss of being back together melted the distance away. Even though different time zones and tight budgets influenced our ways of communication, it only mattered that we had found our way back to each other.
We missed each other dearly; but there was a certain peace with the reality. I could feel him being on the other side, thinking of me and being in love with me. This was all I could ask for.
However, I knew this serenity would come and go; frustration could kick in eventually and challenge us. Around one year and two visits later, the downsides of the distance did indeed knock me off. I missed my boyfriend during days and nights, and fear crept in.
What if this would lead us only to a big disappointment?
My mind dug through tons of questions and my world felt not as open and wide anymore. We knew we would need to deal with lots of issues if we wanted to be together—ambitious career paths and different work/life-balances, immigration papers, money, languages, intercultural differences, a worried family on my side.
It‘s not easy to keep up with the constant uncertainty of the future, and I often feel tired of external factors that hinder us.
But it has also dawned on me that I can’t make myself the victim of circumstances. We need to keep putting our heads up high and take the distance as our current external state that shapes us but will change eventually.
I don’t deny we live on two different continents, and can‘t have breakfasts in bed or spontaneous weekend trips to the sea. But I always wished for a wonderful man with a beautiful character who loves me for who I am. Now I got my wish—just totally out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned some lessons along the way—and they may help even if you’re not in a long-distance relationship:
1. Communicate.
It‘s important that you speak, listen, write, fight, and laugh with your partner about everything that’s meaningful to you. I use different channels for communication, and surprise my honey from time to time with a postcard, a colorful photo, or an unexpected call.We don‘t hear from each other every day; sometimes we can‘t Skype for days due to clashing schedules or bad Internet connections. This is annoying but okay.
We remember to respect the other person‘s schedule and space; we don‘t expect the other one to be available all the time. I think it’s important to keep it light to a certain degree so that there’s no need of constant (virtual) presence that would be draining at some point.
Also, I feel much better after sharing my struggles with my boyfriend; it’s a way of being honest and authentic. Make yourself a team in this. If you take on challenges together, it’s easier to handle the physical distance, and you get closer and surely learn a lot about each other.
Even if you aren’t miles apart, you want to find the right balance of interaction, and spice up communication with surprises here and there. You want to handle challenges as a team and become closer through them.
2. Challenge your doubts.
I can‘t make the distance define my feelings for him. It is what it is, and we can only do our best today in loving each other, and work toward a life together with patience and faith.Distance doesn‘t kill love; doubts do. Therefore I give my best in choosing love over doubt.
Sometimes I’m not strong enough and let fear creep in. Then I share my frustration with him, talk to a close friend, or do something uplifting just for myself.
Then the feeling of love comes back on its own and laughs gently on my worried mind.
Every relationship faces challenges, and doubts may plague us sometimes. It’s our mind that causes doubts, so we’re the ones who can choose to take on a different perspective.
I’m not suggesting oppressing worries (that may be reasonable in unhealthy relationships), but I’d like to encourage you to choose a positive outlook when it’s healthy, instead of blocking yourself with limiting thoughts or labels.
3. Become clear about who you are and what you want.
If you love whole-heartedly it’s easy to put the other one on a pedestal and treat him/her like a superhero.In a long-distance relationship it may even take more time to realize the other one is just as human as you.
Keep learning from each other, and don’t be afraid of discovering the flaws or challenges the other one may have. Try to first see what it is in you that makes you irritated, and exchange thoughts about it calmly and respectfully.
Always keep curious and ask lots of questions. Be willing to open up just as much.
Also, talk about where you want to head together and how you want to live. It’s important to create a vision together to know you’re on the same page.
As long as you respect and love your partner, you will always find a way to deal mindfully with conflict and disagreement.
4. Spend quality time together.
You don‘t need to talk every day. Just make sure the time with each other is well spent. Laugh a lot.Try to treat the distance as a friend, not an enemy. Be creative, play with the technical possibilities—celebrate occasionally with a dinner on Skype, watch a movie via shared screen, or dance to some good music. Your joy about sharing those day-to-day things may be very high, as you do not take them for granted.
Visit each other as often as you can, and spend time just the way you want. Save up money for visits, split costs, and plan activities you want to do together. This is crucial for you as a couple, and it refuels the batteries.
Even if you see your loved one often, you still need to consciously choose to spend quality time together.
I’ve learned that physical distance does not equal emotional distance, and there is so much to explore. It’s really what you make out of it.
The point is to not deny the hard parts, but also to not feel paralyzed by them.
These are just a few ways to find strength and happiness in a committed long-distance relationship. What’s your biggest love challenge, and how do you overcome it?
Photo by garryknight
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Stop Overextending Yourself to Please Others: 6 Simple Tips
Stop Overextending Yourself to Please Others: 6 Simple Tips:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Lee Sumner Irwin
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
In a span of one month, my beloved little red Toyota catches on fire, burning to a molten blob; I land in the emergency room with a ruptured disc after lifting a child out of her wheelchair; and I try a do-it-yourself hair highlighting kit, which leaves me looking, well, think Phyllis Diller.
I feel confused. I have tried so hard to do all the right things. How could my life have gotten so off track?
I am in the grip of a disorder some people might call manic compression—trying to do everything perfectly in an attempt to please everyone around me. Some of my friends seem to be enjoying life, but I’m definitely not.
I flounder, looking for answers to this dilemma, without the vaguest inkling that I have created the situation. I call friends and bore them with my woeful tales of angst and doubt. I wake up every morning at 3:00 to wrestle with my pillow for an hour and then, as a last resort, drag my journal off the nightstand and into my lap.
Most of what I write in that diary is page after page of questions with the same themes: Why are these bad things happening? How can I stop feeling so befuddled? Will I ever sleep again?
You know how sometimes life sends little presents just when we need them. I was having lunch with a friend who was excited about sharing a story she had just read. She reached into her purse and pulled out a copy of Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters by Portia Nelson:
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in; it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
As I read this concise story, I spotted my personal deep hole in the sidewalk—the habit of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own.
Because I had been so busy taking care of the real and imagined needs of the people in my life, I didn’t take time to do the proper maintenance on my Toyota. I injured my back because I felt overwhelmed, rushing to get to my next meeting, and didn’t stop to ask for help lifting the student.
I realized I was living in Chapter II. I had ignored the warning signs and fallen into my deep hole again.
A glimmer of hope started to flicker through my confusion. If I created this drama, there is a possibility that I can create something different, something less crazy-making.
Just maybe I can move on to Chapter IV and V where I walk around the deep hole or choose to walk a new path.
I began to wake up to the idea that I actually do have choices. I can make decisions based on my preferences and needs instead of a sense of obligation.
I have a choice about how I respond to others’ demands. A choice about how I react when the tsunami of items on my to-do list threatens to overwhelm me. A choice about saying, “yes” to one more volunteer project or saying “thanks, but not now.”
While I was wandering through the self-help section of the library, a book fell off the shelf and landed at my feet. I opened it to a random page and my eyes fell on the phrase: we’re all perfectly imperfect human beings.
I like the freedom inherent in this thought. If being imperfect is part of the definition of being human, maybe it’s okay for me to make mistakes and (oh, goodness!) disappoint someone!
I offer here a handful of strategies that helped me begin to put my needs first, with the hope that some of them will resonate for you.
Six simple secrets for embracing imperfection and honoring your needs:
As I look back ten years to that dreadful month, I see that my struggle for perfection had left me exhausted, disgruntled, and confused.
I found the key to greater happiness was allowing myself to embrace my needs and put myself first. Once I started making friends with my perfectly imperfect self, I began to enjoy a sense of relief and calmness.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but putting my needs at the top of the list actually helps me be more present for other people. I’m much more likely to respond to their needs effectively instead of reacting in a way that makes things worse.
I’m grateful discover a way to live in the world where I feel I have a choice in each moment. I am waking up to the reality that I deserve nurturing and compassion from myself, even on a bad hair day. So do you.
Photo by Silentmind8
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Lee Sumner Irwin
“Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.” ~Unknown
In a span of one month, my beloved little red Toyota catches on fire, burning to a molten blob; I land in the emergency room with a ruptured disc after lifting a child out of her wheelchair; and I try a do-it-yourself hair highlighting kit, which leaves me looking, well, think Phyllis Diller.
I feel confused. I have tried so hard to do all the right things. How could my life have gotten so off track?
I am in the grip of a disorder some people might call manic compression—trying to do everything perfectly in an attempt to please everyone around me. Some of my friends seem to be enjoying life, but I’m definitely not.
I flounder, looking for answers to this dilemma, without the vaguest inkling that I have created the situation. I call friends and bore them with my woeful tales of angst and doubt. I wake up every morning at 3:00 to wrestle with my pillow for an hour and then, as a last resort, drag my journal off the nightstand and into my lap.
Most of what I write in that diary is page after page of questions with the same themes: Why are these bad things happening? How can I stop feeling so befuddled? Will I ever sleep again?
You know how sometimes life sends little presents just when we need them. I was having lunch with a friend who was excited about sharing a story she had just read. She reached into her purse and pulled out a copy of Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters by Portia Nelson:
I
I walk down the street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in; it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.As I read this concise story, I spotted my personal deep hole in the sidewalk—the habit of putting everyone else’s needs ahead of my own.
Because I had been so busy taking care of the real and imagined needs of the people in my life, I didn’t take time to do the proper maintenance on my Toyota. I injured my back because I felt overwhelmed, rushing to get to my next meeting, and didn’t stop to ask for help lifting the student.
I realized I was living in Chapter II. I had ignored the warning signs and fallen into my deep hole again.
A glimmer of hope started to flicker through my confusion. If I created this drama, there is a possibility that I can create something different, something less crazy-making.
Just maybe I can move on to Chapter IV and V where I walk around the deep hole or choose to walk a new path.
I began to wake up to the idea that I actually do have choices. I can make decisions based on my preferences and needs instead of a sense of obligation.
I have a choice about how I respond to others’ demands. A choice about how I react when the tsunami of items on my to-do list threatens to overwhelm me. A choice about saying, “yes” to one more volunteer project or saying “thanks, but not now.”
While I was wandering through the self-help section of the library, a book fell off the shelf and landed at my feet. I opened it to a random page and my eyes fell on the phrase: we’re all perfectly imperfect human beings.
I like the freedom inherent in this thought. If being imperfect is part of the definition of being human, maybe it’s okay for me to make mistakes and (oh, goodness!) disappoint someone!
I offer here a handful of strategies that helped me begin to put my needs first, with the hope that some of them will resonate for you.
Six simple secrets for embracing imperfection and honoring your needs:
1. Now thyself.
Follow these simple steps and, in one minute, you can get a tiny break from the pushy, critical voice in your head:- Find a place of solitude.
- Sit down.
- Place your legs in a relaxed but fixed position.
- Sit up.
- Set your alarm for exactly one minute.
- Place your hands in a relaxed but fixed position.
- Close your eyes.
- Focus all your attention on your breathing.
- When the alarm sounds, stop.
2. Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.
How often do you hear yourself saying the “S” word throughout the day? This is a clue to places you may be unconsciously putting demands for perfection on yourself or others.3. Know the payoff.
Even the most damaging behaviors have a payoff. If you did not believe the behavior delivered some value to you, you would not do it. If you want to stop behaving in a certain way, you’ve got to stop “paying yourself off” for doing it.4. Enlighten up.
You can play life full out and at the same time not take it, or yourself, too seriously.5. Take your turn.
Be bold enough to reach for what will truly fill you up, without being unrealistic. Once you develop the resources and resolve to believe that you deserve what you want, you will be able to step up and claim it.6. Get off the psycho path and onto the scenic path.
Most of us are conditioned to think things have to be hard to be worthwhile. We habitually choose the hardest method, the most difficult path. How would your life be different if you let yourself off the hook and chose the way that felt easier?As I look back ten years to that dreadful month, I see that my struggle for perfection had left me exhausted, disgruntled, and confused.
I found the key to greater happiness was allowing myself to embrace my needs and put myself first. Once I started making friends with my perfectly imperfect self, I began to enjoy a sense of relief and calmness.
It may sound counter-intuitive, but putting my needs at the top of the list actually helps me be more present for other people. I’m much more likely to respond to their needs effectively instead of reacting in a way that makes things worse.
I’m grateful discover a way to live in the world where I feel I have a choice in each moment. I am waking up to the reality that I deserve nurturing and compassion from myself, even on a bad hair day. So do you.
Photo by Silentmind8
Thursday, November 15, 2012
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Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough
Reaching Out for Help When The Road Gets Rough:
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Charlie Tranchemontagne
“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene
There was a time in my life when I struggled to share my pain. I actually took great pride in how stubborn I had become. It wasn’t until I started looking within myself that these prideful attitudes started to shift. Actually, my whole life started to change.
Once I started my journey of self-discovery, I no longer wanted to deal with my pain by myself. I slowly reached out to others and asked them for help.
It was in asking for help and sharing my pain with others that I felt myself getting stronger.
I didn’t expect, however, that I’d need to ask for help repeatedly.
In August of 2006, I was with a small group of people inside a airplane hanger that was used as a classroom to give instruction for skydiving. Worn-out couches and old beanbag chairs formed a circle where we gathered. The décor on the walls was something you’d find in a local head shop that sold 60’s and 70’s paraphernalia.
A positive vibe filled the room, as a young instructor prepped us on the safety procedures needed for jumping out of the plane.
It had been sixteen years since I had made my first jump. When I shared this information with the instructor, she asked me, “What took you so long to come back?”
I didn’t respond out loud, but simply smiled. I wasn’t brave enough to explain why I had come back this time.
Initially, I jumped in the fall of 1990 as a way for me to turn my life over to a higher power; that jump marked the beginning of my inner journey.
Skydiving had helped me change my life from despair to hope. For me, it wasn’t about seeking adventure or adrenaline; it was about letting go and finding myself. I had no intention of making a second jump.
But I eventually discovered that my first jump was only the beginning of my journey.
Why did it take me sixteen years to come back? Pride and stubbornness kept me away. I didn’t want to admit that things in my life had become difficult. When I did, I felt that I needed to return to skydiving to help me, once again, let go.
Yes, I can be a very stubborn person. Letting go doesn’t always come easily for me. Despite the number of years I’ve been journeying and evolving, I still resist change. It is hard for me to accept that change is hard work and it requires a willingness to let go—often.
I thought that once I committed myself to walking a new path, everything in my life would just fall in place, and life would finally “be perfect.” At the beginning of my journey, I tried to only adhere to “positive” philosophies and like so many others, I immersed myself with anything and everything that was uplifting.
For the most part, this approach worked well for me. I had many “blissful” moments and personal discoveries that reinforced my new beliefs. I wanted to somehow contain this “blissfulness” like a Red Bull energy drink, and have it at my disposal. I wanted to feel good all the time.
But in June of 2003, my dad died. He had been battling cancer for several years. We didn’t have a close relationship when I was growing up, but after he got sick, we started to spend more time together. Unfortunately, our time ran out, leaving me with countless unanswered questions.
Overwhelmed with grief, I found myself reaching for an old remedy that I’d often depended on to numb my pain—alcohol. I had abused it most of my teenage years and into my early twenties.
The night my dad died, I sat at a bar and got drunk. When I got home I became very sick. I felt like a fool. Self-pity flooded me. How could this of happened to me? All the personal progress and growth I had made during the past thirteen years seemed to just go out the window. I was in a dark place.
A few more unpleasant episodes followed that night, but by the summer of 2006, I was ready to reach out again. I wanted to get out of this hole I had fallen into. Sky diving a second time made perfect sense; making another jump was my way of starting over.
Sometimes, I just want my path to be easy, to be nothing but bliss. I still have a tendency to think that when the road gets tough, I must be doing something wrong. It usually comes back to my thinking that I am in control of everything, but the truth is I am not.
I can make new choices, I can take bold actions, but I can’t control how life unfolds. I am still learning this valuable and difficult lesson. I can be a slow learner at times. It helps to remind myself that through some of my darkest moments, I have grown the most.
If there are any words I could share to offer as encouragement to fellow travelers, they would be, first: Be good to yourself when your journey gets rough. Remember, it’s the rough times, the painful times that will bring about real change. Pain is a great motivator.
Second, whether in a community like Tiny Buddha or with a close friend, reach out, share your pain, don’t isolate yourself. Know that you are not alone in your struggles.
Lastly, remember that it can change your life if you let others in. By sharing your pain with someone else you will grow stronger and so will they.
Photo by snapper sam
Editor’s Note: This is a contribution by Charlie Tranchemontagne
“Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak.” ~Lori Deschene
There was a time in my life when I struggled to share my pain. I actually took great pride in how stubborn I had become. It wasn’t until I started looking within myself that these prideful attitudes started to shift. Actually, my whole life started to change.
Once I started my journey of self-discovery, I no longer wanted to deal with my pain by myself. I slowly reached out to others and asked them for help.
It was in asking for help and sharing my pain with others that I felt myself getting stronger.
I didn’t expect, however, that I’d need to ask for help repeatedly.
In August of 2006, I was with a small group of people inside a airplane hanger that was used as a classroom to give instruction for skydiving. Worn-out couches and old beanbag chairs formed a circle where we gathered. The décor on the walls was something you’d find in a local head shop that sold 60’s and 70’s paraphernalia.
A positive vibe filled the room, as a young instructor prepped us on the safety procedures needed for jumping out of the plane.
It had been sixteen years since I had made my first jump. When I shared this information with the instructor, she asked me, “What took you so long to come back?”
I didn’t respond out loud, but simply smiled. I wasn’t brave enough to explain why I had come back this time.
Initially, I jumped in the fall of 1990 as a way for me to turn my life over to a higher power; that jump marked the beginning of my inner journey.
Skydiving had helped me change my life from despair to hope. For me, it wasn’t about seeking adventure or adrenaline; it was about letting go and finding myself. I had no intention of making a second jump.
But I eventually discovered that my first jump was only the beginning of my journey.
Why did it take me sixteen years to come back? Pride and stubbornness kept me away. I didn’t want to admit that things in my life had become difficult. When I did, I felt that I needed to return to skydiving to help me, once again, let go.
Yes, I can be a very stubborn person. Letting go doesn’t always come easily for me. Despite the number of years I’ve been journeying and evolving, I still resist change. It is hard for me to accept that change is hard work and it requires a willingness to let go—often.
I thought that once I committed myself to walking a new path, everything in my life would just fall in place, and life would finally “be perfect.” At the beginning of my journey, I tried to only adhere to “positive” philosophies and like so many others, I immersed myself with anything and everything that was uplifting.
For the most part, this approach worked well for me. I had many “blissful” moments and personal discoveries that reinforced my new beliefs. I wanted to somehow contain this “blissfulness” like a Red Bull energy drink, and have it at my disposal. I wanted to feel good all the time.
But in June of 2003, my dad died. He had been battling cancer for several years. We didn’t have a close relationship when I was growing up, but after he got sick, we started to spend more time together. Unfortunately, our time ran out, leaving me with countless unanswered questions.
Overwhelmed with grief, I found myself reaching for an old remedy that I’d often depended on to numb my pain—alcohol. I had abused it most of my teenage years and into my early twenties.
The night my dad died, I sat at a bar and got drunk. When I got home I became very sick. I felt like a fool. Self-pity flooded me. How could this of happened to me? All the personal progress and growth I had made during the past thirteen years seemed to just go out the window. I was in a dark place.
A few more unpleasant episodes followed that night, but by the summer of 2006, I was ready to reach out again. I wanted to get out of this hole I had fallen into. Sky diving a second time made perfect sense; making another jump was my way of starting over.
Sometimes, I just want my path to be easy, to be nothing but bliss. I still have a tendency to think that when the road gets tough, I must be doing something wrong. It usually comes back to my thinking that I am in control of everything, but the truth is I am not.
I can make new choices, I can take bold actions, but I can’t control how life unfolds. I am still learning this valuable and difficult lesson. I can be a slow learner at times. It helps to remind myself that through some of my darkest moments, I have grown the most.
If there are any words I could share to offer as encouragement to fellow travelers, they would be, first: Be good to yourself when your journey gets rough. Remember, it’s the rough times, the painful times that will bring about real change. Pain is a great motivator.
Second, whether in a community like Tiny Buddha or with a close friend, reach out, share your pain, don’t isolate yourself. Know that you are not alone in your struggles.
Lastly, remember that it can change your life if you let others in. By sharing your pain with someone else you will grow stronger and so will they.
Photo by snapper sam
Friday, November 9, 2012
Q&A: How To Deal With A Jealous Spouse
Q&A: How To Deal With A Jealous Spouse:
Q: What are some ways to deal with a jealous spouse?
A: Well the first thing is to find out why the spouse is jealous. Is it their own insecurities? Have they always been jealous of boyfriends or girlfriends before they got married? Are they the kind of person that feels if they don’t have their undivided attention all the time that you don’t love them anymore? Sometimes it is insecurity that causes jealousy. But other times it’s a lack of feeling loved, which means the answer would be to speak their love language on a regular bases so they l secure in your love. If they feel secure in your love, they are less likely to be jealous of you. So it’s essential to find out why they’re jealous and then address the issue.
Q: What are some ways to deal with a jealous spouse?
A: Well the first thing is to find out why the spouse is jealous. Is it their own insecurities? Have they always been jealous of boyfriends or girlfriends before they got married? Are they the kind of person that feels if they don’t have their undivided attention all the time that you don’t love them anymore? Sometimes it is insecurity that causes jealousy. But other times it’s a lack of feeling loved, which means the answer would be to speak their love language on a regular bases so they l secure in your love. If they feel secure in your love, they are less likely to be jealous of you. So it’s essential to find out why they’re jealous and then address the issue.
There Is Hope For The Separated
There Is Hope For The Separated:
You dreamed of a marriage where each made the other supremely happy. Now one of you has walked out. Separation is not the time to capitulate. Your dream can live again. But not without work–work that will demand listening, understanding, discipline and change. That work will likely involve the help of an outside counselor; someone who can help you think, evaluate, and reach out for God’s help. I know you’ve tried before, but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. One of God’s great gifts is the gift of choice. It is extremely important that you make the right choices. Don’t go it alone. Reach out to a pastor, a counselor, or a friend. There is hope for the separated.
You dreamed of a marriage where each made the other supremely happy. Now one of you has walked out. Separation is not the time to capitulate. Your dream can live again. But not without work–work that will demand listening, understanding, discipline and change. That work will likely involve the help of an outside counselor; someone who can help you think, evaluate, and reach out for God’s help. I know you’ve tried before, but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. One of God’s great gifts is the gift of choice. It is extremely important that you make the right choices. Don’t go it alone. Reach out to a pastor, a counselor, or a friend. There is hope for the separated.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Google Alert - Relationships and Dating
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| The Sentry: High School Relationships my.hsj.org Sianna Hart and Forrest Ponke,seniors, have been dating for a total of three years. They have had some rough patches. Hart confides, "Since we started dating so young it's hard to grow up in the relationship as a person." The love birds have been ... See all stories on this topic » |
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Google Alert - Relationships and Dating
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| Tips for dating after 50 CNN We dated for a couple of months. It was good for the ego at first, but turned out not to be a lasting relationship. Note to self: Just because a man doesn't talk about himself all the time doesn't mean he's right for you. In addition to online dating ... See all stories on this topic » |
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3 Simple But Powerful Truths About Love
3 Simple But Powerful Truths About Love:
by Lori Deschene
“Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower.” ~John Harrigan
Last week my brother, sister, and brother-in-law visited me, just after my sister’s honeymoon. I’d been on the east coast the week prior, serving as my sister’s Maid of Honor.
On one of our two big day trips, we went to Disneyland—somewhere my boyfriend and I go frequently.
As annual passholders, we’ve visited close to thirty times in the last two years. And, though it’s always a blast since we’re big kids with rent and emerging wrinkles, I’ve admittedly started to take it for granted.
I still get off Space Mountain with a mile-wide grin, windblown hair, and a giggly, “That was awesome!” But I’ve started saying things like, “The Aladdin show’s okay.” And “World of Color doesn’t really impress me.”
In fact, I almost sanctioned us missing the music and water show, since it was almost 9:00 and none of us had eaten dinner.
Twenty minutes later I was so grateful that we’d pushed through and made it.
After I repositioned my five-foot sister roughly fifteen times to ensure she got a good view (since I’m so much taller at five-foot-one) I settled into my own standing spot in front of my boyfriend.
As the colorful water shot up, with Disney images projected onto it, to the sound of classic songs, I remembered that it’s actually beyond impressive.
Still, I found myself fixated on my sister, whose eyes lit up like a five year old on Christmas morning.
She seemed to sing along with some of the songs, and though she occasionally jumped up to see beyond an oversized head, for the most part she seemed blissfully hypnotized by the spectacle and nostalgia.
When the show stopped after a pyrotechnic display, with images and music from Pirates of the Caribbean, something even more beautiful happened: My sister broke down in happy tears.
This experience that I’d almost written off as not that special evoked something so emotional and joyful in her that I actually teared up at the sight of it.
She told me she hadn’t been to Disney World in Florida (closer to our east coast roots) since we were kids, and that she didn’t really remember it. I hadn’t realized that.
Until that moment, I hadn’t fully grasped what an exciting, new experience this was for her.
My sister works hard, and she’s overcome so much in the past several years, from medical issues to personal challenges.
When she got a throat infection before her wedding, I felt sad that she wouldn’t experience her husband vowing to love her in sickness and in health while enjoying the latter.
I wanted to see her euphorically happy—I wanted her to feel all the good things I know she deserves.
Then I saw her pure joy and appreciation in a moment of childlike wonder, and I felt grateful that I got to witness it. As I stood there, in awe of her raw emotion, I remembered three simple but powerful truths about love:
Appreciation grows deeper through sharing. The most breathtaking landscape in the world is but a shadow of the light we feel when we enjoy it with people we love.
Love is deepest form of mindfulness. Little brings us into the moment like giving our complete attention to others and witnessing their experience of the world.
Real magic comes from caring about others’ happiness as much as we care about our own. We may not experience fairy tale happy endings, but we can create limitless happy middles by making it a priority to help others see the light.
World of Color Photo by HarshLight
Note: Earlier this week I published an incorrect link in the bio for Laura Simms, who wrote the post 5 Empowering Lessons from Being Fired. You can visit her site Create as Folk here.
by Lori Deschene
“Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower.” ~John Harrigan
Last week my brother, sister, and brother-in-law visited me, just after my sister’s honeymoon. I’d been on the east coast the week prior, serving as my sister’s Maid of Honor.
On one of our two big day trips, we went to Disneyland—somewhere my boyfriend and I go frequently.
As annual passholders, we’ve visited close to thirty times in the last two years. And, though it’s always a blast since we’re big kids with rent and emerging wrinkles, I’ve admittedly started to take it for granted.
I still get off Space Mountain with a mile-wide grin, windblown hair, and a giggly, “That was awesome!” But I’ve started saying things like, “The Aladdin show’s okay.” And “World of Color doesn’t really impress me.”
In fact, I almost sanctioned us missing the music and water show, since it was almost 9:00 and none of us had eaten dinner.
Twenty minutes later I was so grateful that we’d pushed through and made it.
After I repositioned my five-foot sister roughly fifteen times to ensure she got a good view (since I’m so much taller at five-foot-one) I settled into my own standing spot in front of my boyfriend.
As the colorful water shot up, with Disney images projected onto it, to the sound of classic songs, I remembered that it’s actually beyond impressive.
Still, I found myself fixated on my sister, whose eyes lit up like a five year old on Christmas morning.
She seemed to sing along with some of the songs, and though she occasionally jumped up to see beyond an oversized head, for the most part she seemed blissfully hypnotized by the spectacle and nostalgia.
When the show stopped after a pyrotechnic display, with images and music from Pirates of the Caribbean, something even more beautiful happened: My sister broke down in happy tears.
This experience that I’d almost written off as not that special evoked something so emotional and joyful in her that I actually teared up at the sight of it.
She told me she hadn’t been to Disney World in Florida (closer to our east coast roots) since we were kids, and that she didn’t really remember it. I hadn’t realized that.
Until that moment, I hadn’t fully grasped what an exciting, new experience this was for her.
My sister works hard, and she’s overcome so much in the past several years, from medical issues to personal challenges.
When she got a throat infection before her wedding, I felt sad that she wouldn’t experience her husband vowing to love her in sickness and in health while enjoying the latter.
I wanted to see her euphorically happy—I wanted her to feel all the good things I know she deserves.
Then I saw her pure joy and appreciation in a moment of childlike wonder, and I felt grateful that I got to witness it. As I stood there, in awe of her raw emotion, I remembered three simple but powerful truths about love:
Appreciation grows deeper through sharing. The most breathtaking landscape in the world is but a shadow of the light we feel when we enjoy it with people we love.
Love is deepest form of mindfulness. Little brings us into the moment like giving our complete attention to others and witnessing their experience of the world.
Real magic comes from caring about others’ happiness as much as we care about our own. We may not experience fairy tale happy endings, but we can create limitless happy middles by making it a priority to help others see the light.
World of Color Photo by HarshLight
Note: Earlier this week I published an incorrect link in the bio for Laura Simms, who wrote the post 5 Empowering Lessons from Being Fired. You can visit her site Create as Folk here.
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Giving a 100% - Keeping it 100
