How to Deal With Impossible People:
Most people know someone who seems to make every situation toxic and impossible. Pointing out that these people are difficult and demanding won't get you anywhere, though — odds are, they don't even see a problem. Whether the issue is caused by a personality disorder or some other underlying issue, here's how to navigate interactions with impossible people and preserve your own sanity.
Handling Conflicts
- Resist the urge to be defensive. Understand very clearly that you cannot beat these kinds of people; they're called "impossible" for a reason. In their minds, you are the source of all wrongdoing, and nothing you can say is going to make them consider your side of the story. Your opinion is of no consequence, because you are already guilty, no matter what.
- Accept the situation. Impossible people exist; there isn't a thing you can do about it. The first step is all about facing reality: if you think you might be dealing with an impossible person, you're probably right. When in doubt, proceed as instructed below. The headaches you save will be your own.
- Do not call out the other person. Bluntly stating the problem will not improve your relationship with someone impossible. Instead of reaching a reconciliation, he or she will likely just become more difficult. Recognize that you can't handle this like you would any other personal conflict — it's a special situation.
- In some ways, they need to be treated like children. Give up all hope of engaging these folks in any kind of reasonable conversation. It will never happen, at least with you. Remember what happened the last fifty times you tried to have a civilized discussion about the status of your relationship with this person. Chances are, every such attempt ended in you being blamed for everything. Decide now to quit banging your head against a brick wall.
- Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of shifting the blame. Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault.
- Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake.
- That being said, here's a simple way to tell: if you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."
- Remember to "detach, disassociate and diffuse." When you're in the middle of a conflict with an impossible person, use this strategy:
- Detach: Staying calm in the heat of the moment is paramount to your personal preservation. Spitting angry words, reacting with extreme emotions such as crying, will only stimulate them to do more of the difficult behavior.
- Disassociate: Remove yourself from the situation and treat it with indifference. Do not, under any circumstances bad talk to their face or to anyone else because then you are sinking down to their level. Add something positive by redirection such as by focusing on something, anything, positive in the situation or in the conversation. Whatever you do just stay calm!
- Diffuse: It can help to realize that the side of a conversation that contains the most truth will always win out, and it's best to "name the game" that an impossible person is playing, usually by asking them or the group a question that starts "Why...," (rephrasing their "impossible" position to illuminate the consequences). You will move the conversation to a higher level, and the group, or even just the impossible individual, in a one-on-one, will respond to this "higher truth," although the individual will usually respond by (more) obfuscating.
- Guard against anger. If it helps, consider the fact that your anger is actually a precious gift to the impossible person. Anything you do or say while angry will be used against you over and over again. Impossible people tend to have amazing memories, and they will not hesitate to use a nearly endless laundry list of complaints from the past against you. Five years from now, you could be hearing about the angry remark you made today (which you didn't even mean in the first place). Impossible people will seize anything that provides them the opportunity to lay blame like it was gold.
- Prepare for projection. Understand that you are going to be accused of much (or all) of this behavior yourself. If your impossible person gets a look at this text, to them it will look like a page about you. Prepare yourself for the fact that the impossible person's flaws and failings will always be attributed to you.
- Remember, in their minds, you are at fault for everything! They will have an endless supply of arguments to support this, and if you make the mistake of encouraging them, they will be more than happy to tell you why you are the impossible person, and how ironic it is that you are under the mistaken impression that it is them.
Long-Term Management
- Be a manager. Until it is over, your task in the relationship is to manage the impossible person, so that he or she deals less damage to you.
- As a manager, your best resources are silence (it really is golden in some cases such as this), humoring the other, and abandoning all hope of "fixing" the impossible person. Impossible people do not listen to reason. They can't (and even if they could, they wouldn't).
- Recognize that you can't convince them that they have any responsibility for the problems between you. They don't recognize (or if they did, wouldn't try to improve) their flaws for a very logical reason; they don't have any flaws. You must understand and manage this mindset without casting blame and without giving in to anger. It's far easier said than done, and you will slip from time to time, but as time goes on, you'll become a better manager.
- Consider that it might be a question of compatibility. Sometimes, a person who gets along with everybody else quite well is an impossible person for you personally. Most relationships between people contain many shades of gray, but some people simply mix as well as oil and water.
- It is common to hear your impossible person proclaim "Everyone else likes me." This is an attempt to shift the blame to you, so don't buy it. It doesn't matter how this person interacts with others. The fact is, the way the two of you interact together is terrible. Remember that blame never changes the facts.
- Don't get cornered. Avoid one-on-ones with this type of person, actively; in other words, when you see them coming to corner you, suggest, and then demand that at least a third party be brought in. This will often thwart the impossible person's plans, and a typical response from them will be to unilaterally decide that "we don't need anyone else." You are perfectly free to claim your need for a third party to help your understanding, and insist upon it. Bullies never stand up to a crowd.
- Protect your self-esteem. If you have regular dealings with someone who tries to portray you as the source of all evil, you need to take active steps to maintain a positive self-image.
- Remind yourself that this person's opinion is not necessarily the truth. Understand that oftentimes, impossible people are particularly "fact-challenged."
- If the attacks have little basis in raw fact, dismiss them. You can't possibly be as bad as this person would like you to believe you are. Do not defend yourself out loud, however. It will only provoke the impossible person into another tirade.
- Prepare to part ways. Understand that eventually, you'll have to create a separation between yourself and an impossible person. Whether they are a friend, a family member, a parent, even a spouse, the time to leave will eventually manifest. Maintaining a relationship with an impossible person is, literally, impossible.
- If you can't (or won't) make a physical departure immediately, make a mental one. In your mind, you've already left the relationship. The only thing left to do is wait for physical reality to reflect that fact.
- Avoid picking up impossible traits. If you aren't careful, you could find yourself adopting much of the offender's own behavior, even if you aren't voluntarily trying. Eschew blame entirely by understanding that this is just the way the other person is. These things define the impossible person's actions, and nothing you do can change any part of their past.
- Protect your privacy. Impossible people will use any information on your personal life however small as a trump card against you. They can spin stories about you to other people (especially those close to you both) on a simple comment you made over lunch. Since they are specialists in manipulation, they are very good at making you talk.
- Impossible people are good at seeming normal, and unless you are very convinced of who you are and where you stand in relation to the slight madness of this person, there will be times where you think "Hey, she's not so bad after all. I guess I could tell her what I am going through these days...." Big mistake! It will come back to you when you least expect it, in the most dirty and manipulative way. Things shared in confidence late night at the office between the two of you can be used in an ice cold analysis in front of the whole company in a moment where the impossible person needs to get on top of you. He/she will spare no information to prove to others how well they know you, and such know what the best way to "handle" you is.
- Be the opposite of them: a possible person. Live as an example of tolerance, patience, humility, and even some kindness (as difficult as that may be).
- We are all influenced by the people in our environment — they don't have to be perfect all the time and neither do you. Give respect because you are human. If you don't receive respect, that's -sadly- their problem. Give understanding, and you get understanding. Ultimately this sort of behavior is probably the only thing that might get through to them. They may not change in everything, but you can safely expect a change.
- If you care about the people in question and have longstanding relationships with them, try to get them to seek help.
- Don't become a martyr. Before you attempt to deal with impossible people yourself, you may have to learn how to control your own emotions. If you are simply unable to avoid an impossible person due to work, family, or other reasons, it is especially important to find other interests, join a support group, and seek therapy or religious counseling if necessary.
- Don't let them be the martyr that brings you down either. It is a real source of frustration to have a difficult person "play the martyr" around you to arouse your feelings of guilt and confusion. Beware this tactic and stand aside from them as they serve as their own martyr without you cementing their choice by fawning over them or conceding to their behavior.
- Be aware that all of us exhibit some of these personality "disorders" to some degree. It's just a question of how you define "normal".
- People with histrionic personality disorders, regardless of whether they happen to be male or female, are often referred to as “drama queens.” They live for attention, and will frequently go to great lengths in order to get it. They have to live in the right neighborhood, wear the right clothes, and send their kids to the right schools.
- Passive-aggressive people express their hostilities indirectly by pushing other people’s buttons without appearing to do so — like the dinner guest who exclaims innocently, "Wonderful meal, folks. I had no idea how delicious the cheaper cuts of meat could be!" or the sneaky "Don't worry about me, I'm fine," when you know perfectly well that if you say, "Okay," and go on with whatever you were doing, there are going to be problems to deal with later because he/she is most definitely not fine, and you should have known that.
- If nothing else helps, resolve to treat your experiences with impossible people as valuable life lessons. Realize that after dealing with them for a while, getting along with everyone else will be easier. You are getting a free education about how to deal with the most difficult people. Although it is unpleasant now, the lessons you learn are going to be valuable later in life.
- It may also help to call a spade a spade and realize that you are dealing with an emotional abuser. More helpful information can be found in literature on that topic.
- Be kind and friendly even though they may act like a jerk to receive negative attention. If they are lonely but don't know how to get attention, then they will appreciate what you are doing and change. If they are just natural jerks who love to make others mad, then what you are doing will enrage them because they can't figure out how to make you mad, and eventually they will leave you alone. Love is crucial, even if it is insanely difficult to perform in various situations.
- Don't disagree with them; find ways to be agreeable even if they are wrong. When they tell you that you donated the money for attention or whatever else, you can say that they might be right. Agreeing with impossible people sidetracks their steam as they continually look for arguments. You could even smile a bit as you agree with them, thus maintaining your good humor and away from falling back into anger.
- Note that the most healthy way to deal with an impossible person is to remove that person from your environment. Do not torture yourself by exposing yourself to a destructive person. Do not put up with it. You are worth more than that. Remember that you cannot "fix" this person.
- When the impossible person is abusing or slandering you, other people will start to show sympathy towards you. You don't need to do anything to make them look bad; she/he just digs his/her grave with no help from you. If s/he is angering you, others are also likely to be annoyed.
- Try to focus on the positive, even if you can't seem to think of anything. Something as simple as "God loves him/her" can keep you under control, even if you don't love them yourself.
- Ignore them. How better to undermine someone who wants to rant and rave in order to seek attention than to not give them the attention they want? If they cannot get your attention they will move on to someone else who will give them the attention they crave. Don't let it be you.
- Make sure you do not make impossible people angry; although they usually (of course) "have no temper" and are "reasonable to everybody," the fact is that if you enrage them, they will blow their stack like you can't believe. Your own moments of frustration with them will pale in comparison. Don't give them a reason. Instead, think of their outbursts in the same way you would a child's tantrum, but do it subtly (in such a way that they can't lash out at you for being "condescending"). This takes practice, but it is a social skill worth developing. It might help to think of this person as having a health problem: this person needs help, needs constant management, and you may not be able to do it alone.
- Never tell others how you feel about this person. If you confess the impossible behavior of this impossible person, and the person you tell shares the same views as you have, then it is quite possible that this person might spread the chat you had with him/her. Then, when it reaches the ears of the impossible person in this case, regardless of the means by which this knowledge reaches him, s/he will make every possible attempt to degrade your image, because then s/he will know who started it.
- If for some reason you are able to convince impossible people with irrefutable evidence that they (and they alone) are at fault, then there is a possibility that they will completely "crash" in the other direction, expressing the belief that if they can't be right in this one situation, then they must be 100% wrong all the time in every situation. This is a coping mechanism of theirs which attempts to encourage others around them to feel sympathy for them and build them back up.
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Edit Sources and Citations
- Cavaiola, A. C., & Lavender, N. J. (2000). Toxic co-workers: How to deal with dysfunctional people on the job. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
- American Psychiatric Association (1994). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, DSM-IV-TR, 4th ed. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
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